reality is setting in

the fact that i'll be gone all summer has finally begun to set in. i think its because i'm now beginning to experience "the last" of everything. for instance, tonight is the last sunday night i'll spend here this summer; yesterday was the last saturday afternoon. there are things associated with these days that make it particularly hard. for instance, i'm used to spending saturday afternoons with my mother. most of the time, we're both in the house at the same time and even though we're often doing our own thing, we'll end up at some point in the kitchen drinking coffee together or eating leftovers for lunch while gabbing for an hour. its just a really nice thing that became a ritual, and even though it didn't actually happen yesterday, the chance for that to happen is over. its hard to say goodbye to that.

sunday nights i often spend with both of my parents, watching a movie or tv, or just sitting and chatting. today we (unexpectedly) spent shopping for clothes for my trip and then we had lunch together. afterwards we came home and as usual, watched a movie (semi-pro with will ferrill - completely ridiculous but funny). again, it wasn't a night of any kind of importance, but the ritual of spending that time together made it feel important...and tonight is the last night that it will likely happen for quite some time.

if i were only going away for two months, none of this would feel as heavy. but the truth is that since i am considering transferring (although totally unsure of where/when, etc), the fact is that these mini goodbyes may be longer than just a mere summer in length. that's what makes it hard.

despite it, i'm proud that i haven't crumbled because of it. last year when i was getting ready to go to starr king out in berkeley, all of these thoughts literally made me physically sick. i was not only anxious and irritable all of the time, but i developed severe digestive problems. the guilt was killing me. its clear that the past year has really allowed me to develop the perspective necessary to realize that i shouldn't feel guilty for going away. although i am emotional, i can't let that stop me from living my life and pursuing my goals and dreams.

i'll miss jackson, my godson. he's 2. i love seeing the progress he makes when i get to see him even just once a week. the thought that i'll come back and he'll see me as a stranger is heartbreaking. that perhaps is one of the hardest things to deal with.

and my brother. i worry about him. i pray that he remains safe.