one of the greatest days of my life

my brother got divorced today.

for those of you who don't know, he married his ex-wife, cheryl van pelt, on june 16, 2007. it was a marriage planted in very poor soil and needless to say, within months - arguably, shorter than months - withered to a brown, burnt crisp. the thought of divorce began to swirl about in december of 2007. after many attempts to save the marriage, the realization that it was hopeless settled upon them, and divorce proceedings began.

why is this one of the greatest days of my life? this is a valid question. in a nutshell, miss van pelt has hurt my brother, my family and myself immensely over the course of time that she has been in my brother's life. she has attempted to numb the soul of my brother, has insulted my parents, has alienated my aunt, and has demeaned and disrespected me for a year and a half straight. i tried time and time again to foster a positive relationship with her, but was only rejected and hurt some more.

because she was my brother's partner, i took a lot more than i should have. in fact, i never once made an issue out of the way she treated me, even though i was extremely hurt in many cases. i kept treating her kindly, trying to be the better person, trying to be understanding.

i didn't understand why god was putting me through this. i was enraged by some of the incidents that had occurred. i felt belittled and worthless. all i wanted to do was act out at her. scream in her face until she heard every word i had ever suppressed about her. but again - she was my brother's partner. how could i defend myself without causing a rift, either between them or between me and him? i didn't want to take the risk, so i chose to remain silent.

and all the while i prayed, silently, that this would somehow get resolved. all the while, they planned their wedding. more incidents occurred. months came and went and her insanely moody behavior continued and got worse. once they were married, she exploded from worse to horrifying.

i was a wreck with regard to all of this. in my mind, i was now stuck with this person as a member of my family forever. i would have to bite my tongue and allow myself to be insulted on a regular basis just to keep the peace. i kept asking god why? simply that. why?

i never did anything to hurt or upset cheryl despite what she did to me and my family. never partook in some revenge scheme. i just sat on by, praying that it would somehow get better.

and it did.

today is june 30, 2008, and as of 12:30 pm, my brother is officially divorced from this woman who has swept into our lives with nothing but destruction on her mind and heart. once my brother began to question his happiness, i finally began to tell him how i really felt about cheryl, and i began to cite some incidents that had occurred. but i was always honest, never manipulative or attempting to hurt anyone. and all on its own, the marriage began to unravel. he began to see her true colors.

so i sit here today feeling like through all of this time, god was watching. god saw that my family and i are good people and aren't out to hurt anyone, and god saw cheryl's unjust antics. so god made her antics backfire on her while meanwhile protecting us.

i don't know, but this is just one of those situations where i feel like there is divine intervention going on. i feel defended, strong and validated. through this i have learned to trust in god even when things are bleakest.

to quote the song 'faithful' that we sang in our gospel choir: "and i rejoice today cause i have recovered it all."

thank you, to everyone who supported me through the last 2+ years (namely jenn and my mother). thank you to my brother, steven, who listened when i talked to him and who had the strength to go through with something many people wouldn't have. and thank you to the divine, to god, to whatever you want to call it, who has whipped up the most beautiful bowl of just desserts anyone could have ever dreamed of.

life, my friends, is good.

i DROVE a tractor!

we woke up this morning and were outside by 6ish, as usual. jesus took today off because he went rafting, so ivan had to milk the goats instead. we began the day by hanging out with ivan and helping him with the goats. he really didn't need our help, so we mostly observed and played with the goaties. they were very friendly this morning so we did lots of petting. many of the goats got very close to my face, which was a rather funny feeling, and several licked my sunglasses. i feel the goats and i have reached a new level of intimacy.

perhaps the funniest part of the morning was when ivan was finished milking and putting the goats back out into their pasture. the goats have gotten used to jesus, as he milks them twice a day, and so i think they were acting a little frisky with ivan and testing limits a little. one of the goats reached its long neck up and somehow grabbed a hold of ivan's straw hat (ivan is over 6 feet tall, by the way), and began gnawing on it. ivan tried to grab it back but it was too late; there was already a huge bite torn out of it. absolutely hilarious.

the one goat i like a lot is named brownie. she's very laid back and is what i imagine a buddha would be like. whereas some goats are jumpy and wild, brownie is very calm and serene. the photo you see here of me and a goat head is me and brownie's head.

the other photo is of me and a nameless goat. she is very pretty and looks a lot like a deer (as most goats do). i wonder if they're related somehow.

after the milking and hat-eating, emily and i were off to snip oregano. we did this for the remainder of the day. it started out as really cool out, but then got progressively warmer and more humid. by noon, we were ready to be done for the day. since we only work till noon on saturdays, it was perfect timing.

so we came in and relaxed. john swirled in later and told us that he was going to show us how to drive a tractor, and i was super excited. we geared up and he told us that we would be rototilling some new beds for planting. i can't explain how complex the inside of a tractor is. there's a clutch, two brake pedals, a wheel, both a gas pedal and a hand gas pedal, two separate gear shifters, and four controllers for the rototiller attachment. oh my! just looking at it is intimidating. but after watching john a couple of times, i managed to learn relatively quickly. its really satisfying to drive up and down the rows as the machine tills new soil for planting. i remember a couple of years ago, when i was trying to do this in my backyard to plant just a few tomatoes and some basil, i had to use a hand-held rototiller that took out about 8 inches at a time. it took us forever to till just 15 square feet!

so anyway, i guess its official: i'm a real country farm girl now. never in my life did i think i would actually drive a tractor, but today - june 28, 2008 - it happened. what could be next?

I rode on a tractor!!

Hello loyal blog readers! My apologies for not posting yesterday. You see, the internet connection that we have here is very unsteady, and it sadly went out yesterday. Its also out today but I am blogging from my phone (that's right, I couldn't bear letting you down two days in a row). It won't be long because my thumbs are already getting tired but I do have some things of import to update you on.

First, emily and I are making our first batch of goat cheese! Indeed, it is a fresh chevre (the soft, spreadable stuff you usually see in logs). After the goats were milked last night, we took that milk and had to get the temperature to 86. The milk was literally right out of the utter so it was WARMER than 86! Therefore we had to add cold milk to cool it down. At this point, we added the culture, stirred it, then let it sit overnight. This afternoon the curds and whey had separated, so we strained it through cheesecloth and hung it for about 8 hours, pressing it at the end to release the water. At first it had a yogurty consistency but now its quite dried out. There has to be about 3 lbs of cheese there. For the night we rolled it into a ball, put it in a bag and stored it in the fridge. But I think tomorrow we're gonna salt it and maybe add some herbs too. We'll see!

Its amazing to me how easy the process of making it is. Basically you need access to the raw goat's milk (admittedly difficult to find) and the culture (easy to find). The other work invovled is mostly just waiting and nursing every now and again. Who knew!

This week we're gonna work on a brie, and I'm pumped about that. Plus last week I'm not sure if I mentioned that we made goat yogurt, and some of it was too watery so we strained it and now we have what's like a sour cream with a goaty flavor. Wild, but tasty!

The other exciting thing I need to report is that I RODE ON A TRACTOR today!! That's right. City girl on tractor. It was a load of fun. We were using the tractor to transplant peppers. So, the tractor went along and made holes along a row, and we rode on chairs behind filling each hole with a mini plant.

What's nice is that I've now seen several stages of the growing process: planting, creating the beds, making the holes, transplanting, weeding, newspapering, and, of course, harvesting. We're supposed to get into irrigation pretty soon and I'd alsp like to learn how to make compost. Hopefully those are on the agenda.

I do have photos to go along with today's post, but since the internet is down I can't upload them. However, make a mental note to come back and look for the pix in a couple of days if you are interested!

the cheese nun

everyone who is reading this, please: go to this website and check out the story of this remarkable nun, sister noella marcellino. she's a benedictine nun who makes cheese for her abbey. however, she is also a microbiologist who became interested in the fungi that grows on cheese, and she embarked on research projects and a 3 year trip to france to pursue her studies. while on this journey she remained totally grounded and connected to her spirit and spirituality. she is now back with her sisters in connecticut but remains well known for her findings and, of course, her cheesemaking. it is a story that is inspiring for gourmands and spiritual junkies alike.

farmer john gave emily and i this dvd and we watched it last night. it was great. one of my favorite parts was when she says, "life without structure is not free." it coincided very well with what i am discovering about myself out here these days: a structured life really suits me. my life back back east (or anywhere) has always been highly unstructured and random, and i've always valued that. these days, most of my day is structured. certainly my bedtime and the time i wake up, along with meal times and the times i take a shower or a nap. the only unstructured time i have is from around 4-9. but this structure has made me feel more free than ever. things get done when they're supposed to, and everything actually does get done. plus, the limited free time forces me to be more constructive about how i choose to spend it. i've never been more productive or felt so in control of my responsibilities.

that said, it is 9:15 and i must go to bed. after all of the talk about structure, i must admit i've been eeking over my 9pm bedtime because of my late-night blogging. however, no more. its been affecting my ability to work during the day, so i need be in bed or, ideally, be asleep by 9pm.

tomorrow is the sustainable cotton workshop. should be fun.

the day they turned up their snouts

today began at 6 by hitting the pepper field and doing more weeding. sadly, many of the plants have died because of all the weeds, so we are trying to rescue whichever ones managed to survive. so yes: more clipping newspaper and tucking it around the plant. but i've gotten used to this activity and have actually come to enjoy it, so it wasn't too bad. also, this morning was pretty chilly - around 60 degrees - so i had to wear a sweatshirt! hard to believe, but true; and it felt really good.

we weeded for awhile. a good 2 1/2 hours. at some point early in the morning, i heard a helicopter nearby and i looked up for it. it was really loud, and the sound is pronounced because in general there's not much noise on the farm other than the occasional angry goat grunting at at one of her pasture-mates. i noticed the helicopter was flying directly over us onto the neighboring field - a conventional farm. it didn't take long to realize that it was flying around spraying pesticides. prior to this, i had only seen images of these pesticide helicopters in movies or magazines, but never in person. i have to admit it was a little intimidating. this went on for well over an hour, and the helicopter often came over onto our side of the fence. we didn't feel anything, so i don't it was spraying our field, but i would have to imagine that there's got to be some that crosses over at least once in awhile. it was upsetting and i'm planning to ask farmer john about it.

but what else was interesting was the juxtaposition of what emily and i were doing (pulling each weed by hand, individually, and paying close care to make sure the plants were well-wrapped for the future), and the cold, distant weed removal of spraying (the helicopter just swooped around about 100 feet from the ground). we were both engaged in the same activity, but were using such drastically different methods. call me sentimental, but i really do believe the care that our farm puts into its plants really makes a difference in the quality of what grows.

after this, we were instructed to go pick and clean onions, and to that i say: woohoo! this was the highlight of the day for me. picking these onions is amazing because i'm just so used to seeing them in the grocery store, perfectly cleaned and prepped for our consumption. whoever thinks of what they look like when they're growing? but oh wow. they grow underground, but the way you know they're ready is that they begin to kind of rise up above the soil, so you see part of the onion popping out. they're beautiful. the other day, i tried to pick one just to see what it would look like, and it was this tremendous bulb that had the freshest onion fragrance from several feet away. when i chopped off the green stem, actual juice began to drip out of the onion. DRIP! when was the last time you saw an onion actually drip with moisture? it was amazing, and made me see a true difference between fresh produce and what we buy in the supermarket. there's just absolutely no comparison.

so today we were to pick two rows of onions, about 80 feet in total. pick them out of the ground, trim the root end and cut off the stem, clean off the dirt, then store them in coffee bags for a few days so the skins dry out. i had a blast. it was fun interacting with all these juicy onions. everytime i pulled one out of the ground it felt like i was discovering something.

after lunch, we moved onto garlic. we had picked a bunch of it last week, so today we cleaned it, just like we did the onions. this was not nearly as exciting as picking the garlic, but it got us out of the sun (yes, it was hot now) for awhile. afterwards, we went into the shed to plant winter squash. we found a bunch of fun varieties that we had never heard of before, so growing them should be interesting. i wish i was going to be around for the harvest!

when all was said and done, we had a bunch of the stems of the onions to get rid of, so ivan took them to the pigs, as we normally do all the trash. usually they snort and grunt and then eat everything with reckless abandon, but apparently they sniffed the stems and then walked away. can you believe it? we were all shocked!

so, apparently pigs have distinguishing palates after all.

(or, perhaps, the stems just weren't rotten and slimy enough...that's my vote!)

ode to dr. gugliada

today i went to the chiropractor because of a nagging pain in my neck that i got on the plane ride out here. somehow, someway i managed to completely screw my neck up while sitting perfectly still on an aircraft. how this is possible is beyond me, but if anyone could do it...well, you've found her.

it has hurt to turn my head from side to side and especially to try to sit up from a laying-down position. i tried to cope with it for the last 11ish days or so, but it has gotten rather painful and, frankly, inconvenient. therefore, shelby's daughter laura was kind enough to give me a ride into town to see the chiropractor. (aside: the photo you see here was the poster i saw when i walked up to the door. strange?)

as most of you don't know, i was very attached to my old chiropractor, Dr. Gugliada, who passed away earlier this year. both of my parents, my brother and i have been seeing him for years. we loved him dearly. he had magic hands and without even asking what was wrong, could have you totally cured in just one session. he also started work at 4 am. psycho. but, he had a loyal following, and even though you often had to wait for 2+ hours to see him (because he didn't turn anyone away), his patients sat with patience, because they knew how special he was.

going to see him wasn't just about getting an adjustment, however. it was about the experience of showing up, seeing the room jam-packed full of people at some god-awful time in the morning, watching tv show after tv show on the little television in the waiting room as you sat in anticipation of your name being called. it was about seeing his tubby, ominous figure walking from room to room, greeting people in his stern but loving way. it was about going into a room and having him come in and without laying a finger on you say, "you're not standing straight" and then place his hand on exactly where it hurts. he'd usually scold you for wearing the wrong shoes or doing whatever it was that hurt you, but it was only because he cared. then he'd lay you down and crack your back and neck in every which way imaginable, making his puffy little noises with each new position. in the meantime we'd talk about our families, my dad's new building project, my mom's insurance agency, my brother's law practice, and i'd ask him personal questions to get past his seemingly indifferent demeanor. what lied beneath was someone who was actually full of emotion just bubbling beneath the surface, and sometimes i managed to get there. then within moments, it was over; i would hop up from the table a new woman, we would say goodbye, and i would often not see him again for several months.

with this kind of relationship with my past chiropractor, you could imagine that the thought of going to a new doctor was really unappealing. i was convinced i would end up more injured than well. but i went because i had no choice. the doctor was nice, young, and his method was different. i had to tell him why i was there, had to explain my pain and where it was, etc. he put heat on my shoulders and then used a massager on my back, then cracked it. he then cracked my neck, which hurt like hell, but - i think he might have taken care of the problem. its too soon to say. i can now turn my head most of the way without pain, and the constant ache is mostly gone, so that's a good thing. however, it is sore, and so that's obscuring my ability to say exactly how much better its doing. we shall see.

so, all in all, not a bad appointment. he was a nice man, and he seemed competent. i didn't wait 2 hours at 5 o'clock in the morning to see him, and that was a nice change. but at the same time, we didn't talk about our families or what we've been up to, i didn't get the mild scolding that i secretly enjoyed, and i certainly didn't receive a magic touch. those days are over, sadly - not just for me, but for all of dr. gugliada's patients. he really touched our lives and made going to the chiropractor a special experience.

i miss him. i hope he knows that.

108 bows

i've decided that as of tomorrow, i am going to start bowing meditation every morning before work. i haven't done the full 108 bows since the end of my zen meditation class last fall. this spring, i would randomly bow but it was usually just somewhere between 10-20 times. i always had a hard time doing this meditation because of the physicality of it. i was so horribly out of shape that it was painful (and, frankly, i was a wimp).

but, the farm has taught me that intense physicality is actually exactly what i need to feel healthy and good. so i am going to resume the bowing. additionally, i think that the exercise involved in bowing will pale in comparison to the nonstop activity that i am involved in everyday.

but of course, the purpose of the bowing isn't to get in shape. rather, i'm trying to add a tangible element of spirituality back into my life. the bowing was always extremely helpful to me each week, though i hated actually doing it. i am getting so much out of farming because of what it is doing to my body and because of all that i am learning and experiencing, but i need to foster that link to the spirit. its there. its everywhere around me, in watching the plants reach for the sun, in the harvesting of fruit, and in the perfect snapshot images framed in my eye as i walk through this brilliant landscape. but i need a consistent practice everyday to keep me focused and connected.

i'm nervous that i'll fail at this. i hope i'm able to be disciplined enough to do it without a community of practitioners around me. i'll post an update at the end of the week to let you know how i do!

curds and whey

Sadly this will be another short post. I am exhausted beyond belief. I got 1 less hour of sleep last night and it has thrown me off considerably.

These posts are hard to write because I learn so many new things everyday I don't know what to write about. Today we picked garlic which was an amazing upper body workout because you have to fight with the dirt to break the garlic free. We did more weeding (see my weeds post from a few days back), and then recycled soil from old planters.

It got so hot today it was hard to work. Hit 104. Ouch. Apparently I really do like extremes because first I live in Minnesota and then I move here. Am I well?

But it was so hot it was hard to work. It got humid and that's unusual. Therefore we are starting work earlier tomorrow; that is, 6 am instead of 7.

Tonight Shelby invited Emily and I to her daughter's birthday party. It was fun, we met new people, hung out, ate pizza. In between John was showing us how to make cheese. Woohoo! That is one of the big reasons why I came here. He used the goat milk from yesterday and today to work on a blue cheese. He showed us how to bring it up to temp, add cultures, add rennet, cut the curd, drain off the whey (which goes to the chickens - apparently they had a chicken get stuck in the bucket of whey once, lol), then place the curd in a ring mold and flip it every 45 minutes. Sadly at this point we had to leave, but there's a lot more to the process.

However, he loaned us a cheese book and some culture and we are going to make yogurt, then begin experimenting with other cheeses, particularly chevre. Needless to say I am pretty excited to have this experience with raw goat milk since I've been hunting it down for so many years.

Okay. Bedtime. Early day tomorrow.

pain in the ass

this is going to be short because i must go to bed. however, i feel the need to announce to the world that i have a pain in the ass. no, i am not referring to the sore ass cheeks i was complaining of yesterday. instead, i am referring to a fun little ball of excitement that i had surgically removed last april and was told would never (99% likely not) return. however, it has.

alright, its not quite on the ass. its on the tailbone. but, it makes sitting painful.

is this too graphic?

oh well. so therefore, in addition to the neck pain that i have from my flight here (did i mention this? i don't think i did), i now have tush pain. i was sitting on the couch trying to read a book but was uncomfortable because of the cyst so i laid down and then was uncomfortable because of the neck. i feel 85.

hopefully the swelling will go down soon because when that happens, the pain goes away. but sadly, since it has returned, i'm going to need surgery again when i get back to new york.

pain in the ass.

w.e.e.d.s.

today was the first day of my battle with weeds. after emily and i picked squash and cucumber this morning at 7, we zipped over to the pepper field with ivan to work on weeding. how could i possibly describe this task so as to fully convey its character? here goes:

a field is separated by a tractor into beds. a bed is basically a mound of dirt covered by a plastic sheet with holes poked in it. within each hole is where a transplant is planted. (see yesterday's post for info on transplants) a collection of these transplants is considered a "row". there are two rows in each bed. make sense? probably not. either way, the important tidbit of knowledge you should carry with you is that the rows are long. very, very long. (see photo)

the transplants are poking through just a little slice of the plastic, but since the sun hits the dirt around the plant, weeds inevitably grow as well. therefore, our job was to pull the weeds. makes sense. but it doesn't end there! oh no. THEN, we were to take a little square piece of newspaper, tear a slice into it, and tuck it around the plant so that no new weeds would grow. oh, organic farming, how i love thee.

yes, if this was a conventional farm, these weeds would be taken care of by spray. but we, on the other hand, crawl through the dirt on our hands and knees (ivan was even laying down at one point) pulling each weed out by hand and carefully encasing it in newspaper to avoid future weed growage. if that's not plant love, i don't know what is.

emily, ivan and i worked on this from 7:45 - 9:15, then from 9:30 - 11:45ish. nearly 4 hours. it wasn't exactly "tiring", but it involved a lot of constant, small movements and awkward physical positions, so we were all really happy when we were dismissed from this activity. now don't get me wrong -- we didn't nearly finish. in fact, we have to do it again tomorrow morning. sigh. but, i will say this: initially i was really resistant to the entire project. i had absolutely no desire to do it, and i was grumbling to myself about it for at least the first couple of hours. but somewhere around the 3rd hour, something inside of me gave way to the fact that this was the task at hand, and i needed to just stop resisting. this wasn't even a conscious thing that happened. it just sort of clicked. after awhile it occurred to me that my mind had totally been turned off for quite some time, and i was completely focused on pulling the weeds and covering them with the newspaper. i had entered into a different rhthym. it was zen-like. and although i of course was relieved when ivan said that we could stop, part of me felt a little disappointed. interesting.

after lunch, we did some more seed planting. we plant seeds in the shed where its cool, so it was nice to be out of the sun and to be sitting down. today we planted melons, lettuce and eggplant. then john let us leave early (2 pm), and i promptly took a nap. when i woke up at 3:30, my butt cheeks hurt more than i could possibly express. seriously. ouch.

another funny thing about today is that you need to walk one foot in front of the other while going up and down the rows because you're not supposed to step on the beds. i have horrible balance issues, but i noticed that if you tighten your abs, maintaining balance is so much easier. i know, i know...a no-brainer, michele...but for someone as unathletic as myself, it was pretty interesting. in my normal life of simply milling around new york, getting on subways and occasionally climbing a staircase, abs aren't all that important. so it was nice to actually learn why we have certain muscles in our body.

but i'm sore as heck, and looking forward to the end of the week. tomorrow night is the farmer's market and we're supposedly getting a ride there, so that should be fun and festive. apparently they have pupusas!

good fences make good slumber

ivan and i began today by picking apricots. it was fun. apricots are really pretty; they're small, round, smooth, and have a wonderful yellow-orange color to them with just a hint of red one one side. not all of them were in great condition though, so we had to throw those away. but that made finding the perfect ones really exciting. whenever i would see one up on a branch just waiting to be picked, i got really happy. it was fun, and kind of a reminder about how we really do need the bad in order to appreciate the good. the bad isn't just something to be tolerated or wished away, but rather, something necessary. i realized this all thanks to the apricots. thank you, apricots.

later, ivan and i were to build a wire fence around a new pasture. the goats are being moved to a larger pasture (yay goats!), but we must fence it in. its an electric fence, so the poor little goaties get shocked when they go near it. that made me sad and i wished it weren't the case. but nonetheless, this was the chore at hand.

in short, this project took us more than 2 hours. it was tedious, hot, and things kept going wrong. it would have been fine if we hadn't encountered so many problems. but you see, it was a large field, and we had to attach the wire onto poles along each side of the pasture. the problem was that we had to pull the wire tight, and oftentimes it would rip off of one of the poles without our knowledge. so we'd make it to the end, thinking we were done, only to find out that the wire had detached several points along the way. argh! fixing this was another extravaganza which i'm not going to bother explaining...but just note that it was lengthy, hot and irritating. even ivan, who is as even tempered as a cow, was getting worked up about it. you could only imagine what i was doing.

ahhh, the joys of farm life. thankfully, we had lunch after this, and post-lunch we only had to plant seeds, which we could do indoors while sitting. this was actually kind of fun. we planted them in those teeny little planters that you see at gardening stores (where you buy your transplants for your garden). apparently, they will sprout in 2 days! isn't that wild?

i came home and took a 2 hour nap, then emily (the new intern) arrived. she's from boston but went to school in ithaca at cornell. studied biology. she just graduated 3 weeks ago and is very nice and laid back. i think that we'll get along well. i am relieved about this, to say the least.

but that fence situation sucked the life out of me. afterwards i had trouble moving around. even right now i feel totally exhausted. emily went for a walk earlier (a short one, at that) and i didn't have the energy to go with her. oof.

something tells me i'll sleep good tonight.

artie chokes 3 for a dollar

argh! i am currently experiencing massive frustration with the internet access here. it comes in and out, so just when it seems like something is working, suddenly it stops. ahhh! i'm going nuts and it is interfering with my blog-writing capabilities. blech. i'm sorry to all of my loyal readers.

today i had planned to publish photos of the house where i'm living, along with an absolutely HILARIOUS video of the baby goats (2 years old, jackson's age!) that i captured on saturday. they're comical creatures.

but since neither of those plans will come to fruition today, i will have to move on to another exciting topic. that is: artichokes.

ivan and i went out into the fields armed with our backpacks (see photo) today to pick artichokes. yes, there is a special backpack for artichoke picking! who knew? trust me, i didn't know, either. though, to be fair, the backpack can also be used for corn. but today? artichokes. it is a massive "backpack" which straps to your back just like a schoolbag does and has a massive container attached to it. when you cut an artichoke off the plant, you throw it in the bag. simple.

there were four rows of chokes to pick, and ivan and i both did two each. let me tell you, this project took us probably 3 hours in total. all in all, i would guess we picked about 500 artichokes. INSANE!

the sad part is that most of them were "no good" according to the farm owner. he likes to deliver them in a certain shape, size and condition (which i respect and totally understand), and many of them - although still totally edible - didn't make the cut. so off in the wheelbarrow they went to feed the pigs. needless to say, the pigs were delighted. disgusting little creatures.

tomorrow, the new intern arrives. emily. she sounds nice and it seems we have stuff in common, so i'm excited about that. but i'm nervous. of course, you never know how it'll actually go until you meet the person, and judging from some of the stories i have heard about last year's interns (more on this another time), who knows what is going to happen. but we'll see; i hope it'll work out.

so tonight is my last night alone in the house. that's both good and bad; good because i won't be so freaked out being alone, but bad because the solitude is kind of nice. i can always retreat into my room though, so i must remember to take care of myself and do that if i feel that i must.

in the meantime, i've been watching the office which i downloaded before i left (just the first season, but its hilarious), and some episodes of ramsay's kitchen nightmares (british version). and i'm reading the alchemist. i like the alchemist; but its hard to read. its touching a lot of raw nerves in me. i plan to blog on this soon; stay tuned...

fresno

Today, Shelby and I went to Fresno, CA, which is about a 45 minutes or so South (?) of Firebaugh. It was a really to spend time away from the small town, as it gave me the feeling that escape is possible if the monotony of the country starts driving me batty.

As we drove through the fields on the way out of town, I didn't feel particularly excited. We passed almond trees, fig trees, pistachios, etc., but I just felt anxious inside. Closed in. This reaction was a complete 180 from how I had felt just a month prior, when I would finally get out of NYC and drive through rural NJ. I remember feeling ELATED when seeing the strawberry patch or the apple orchards. Even just empty fields of grass made me excited! But today this was not my reaction.

Suddenly, I noticed that we were getting onto a highway, and within a moment the country fields turned into urban roads that resembled Los Angeles, where I used to live. Although it was definitely NOT Los Angeles, it was familiar: the houses and street signs looked the same. It had a familiar shape and smell. Immediately I felt at home and comfortable.

It was a good feeling. A really good feeling. I realized that the reason I felt this way was because I was simply out of my element in the country. I wasn't unenchanted with the country all of a sudden, but I was rather getting used to it, and I needed something - anything - familiar to grip onto to make myself feel better. The urban layout of Fresno and its surroundings did that for me.

I wondered though, in these moments, does this mean that I would prefer a life lived among people? I have often fantasized about being a farmer. Living in the country and having well, not an isolated existence, but a more remote one. But when I began to see billboards and street signs and restaurants and stores, I lit up inside. Was that familiarity or a sign that this kind of living is what best suits me?

Nonetheless, Shelby and I continued on our way. She bought her sink, one that I am jealous of (a commercial 3 tubbed one [is tubbed a word?]). We bought a bunch of stuff at Costco, had a nice lunch, zipped over to Kohl's to buy her and her daughter flip flops, then headed back. But oh! I nearly forgot. The highlight of the day was when we stopped at the Fresno Farmer's Market. Originally I had been wavering about whether I wanted to go because it was so god-awful hot out, but I ultimately figured why the hell not. The picture that you see here is from the market. As is hopefully apparent, this was beautiful, and adorably quaint. It was really small but so well maintained, and the greenery that covered it shielded the sun, so it was actually quite cool underneath. The best part about this farmer's market is that although they had mostly everything you could find at any other market (fruit, veggies, cheese, olive oils, etc), what set this apart was that Shelby knew nearly every person there. So I met a whole bunch of the vendors, most of whom were farmers or producers themselves. It added a personal touch onto the experience. Although farmer's markets in general do encourage that sort of banter, in this case I was introduced as the intern of this well-known organic farm, so people really paid attention. In many cases I was offered to go to a particular farm and learn their methods for a day. It was very exciting.

However, the best part of the day was when I came across the organicpastures.com booth. They sell unpasteurized cow's milk (raw milk), which - by the way - is virtually impossible to get in the US. Several years ago, when I was getting into cheesemaking, I was researching raw milk because it is the best type to use for making cheeses. However, the US has all sorts of strict laws prohibiting the sale of raw milk. But this company sells it! I spoke to them with enthusiasm about this and they told me that apparently the laws are only valid in certain states, and California isn't one of them. I was shocked! I had searched high and low for raw milk, to no avail. But here these people were, selling raw milk like it was going out of style. I couldn't believe it.

The other great part about this is that raw milk doesn't affect those who are lactose intolerant!! Apparently the pasteurization process is what causes milk to affect those with lactose problems negatively, but raw milk doesn't do this. I was wary, but I had a gulp of the stuff and the verdict? No problems whatsoever! Go raw milk!

Anyways, all in all, Fresno was a great trip. A nice break from the country, a place that made me reconsider my desire to live in the city, and somewhere that resurrected the potential for my making really great cheese in the near future. A good day!

day two

lord almighty.

i feel like i'm in boot camp. seriously. my body is being worked over like never before. today, i was outside by 7:30 and ivan and i picked about 5 lbs of purple beans. this involved picking the pods, opening the pods and dumping the little beans into the bucket. each pod had 2-3 beans inside. we worked on this for about an hour and a half and had only 1/8 of a bucket full. (about 2.5 lbs). at 9am we had our break, then continued from 9:15-10:00. this time we had a new system though. instead of standing in the hot sun and picking the pods apart one by one, we would first collect all of the pods, then go in the shade and open them up. it worked much better this way.

when this chore was over, we were then to do the same for the fava beans. pick, open, dump. we sped through to the quicker method this time and managed to get to 5 lbs faster, which was nice. by 12 PM, we had about 10 lbs of beans. this was all that we did today.

thankfully, we were set free at this point. although this doesn't sound like a ton of work (and it truly isn't), standing in the hot sun sucks a ton of energy out of you. and the monotonous walking back and forth and crouching down and standing up is also a drain on the energy. we came in at 12 and i ate a box of strawberries that i picked yesterday, talked on the phone for a little while and then took a 2 hour nap. i feel a lot better.

today made me appreciate all of those little beans that you see at the grocery store just sitting there innocently in their bags. if only people realized the amount of labor necessary to grow, pick and package 1 lb of beans!

pooped

the end of my first day on the farm has arrived. whew. i'm exhausted. i was up at around 6:30 and ready to rock and roll by a little after 7. i met up with ivan, a 17 year old 2nd generation mexican lad who is to be my best friend all summer long. he's very laid back and easy going. such is the pace of farmlife in general. here i was, charged up on iced tea and adrenaline, and ivan was kicking back with his sombrero on. new york meets california.

i realized i needed to take it easy otherwise there was going to be a problem. so i did. if they don't want to work like nonstop animals, i won't either. besides, i'm not here to kill myself, rather to learn and contribute what i can. our first excursion was to the cucumber fields. we picked a few cucumbers, some of which were absolutely MASSIVE -- we're talking 5 inches around and 3 feet long (NUTS). some of them even curl around too. afterwards, we moved onto strawberries. there weren't many berries left because their season has already mostly passed, but we managed to pick a few. then, we moved onto mint, rosemary, oregano and lavendar.

all of this picking was to the end of having enough produce to distribute among our 36 boxes. you see, being a CSA (community-supported agriculture) we have customers who buy a share of our crops each season and then in return they receive a box of produce for $20 per week. thursdays is the day the produce is shipped. today was that day.

so, we had to make sure that we had enough of the herbs and cucumbers. other workers were taking care of onions, garlic, squash, lettuce, artichokes, cabbage, etc. ivan and i created the boxes and rinsed them down, then lined them up on the tables. one by one we would choose a crop and drop it into the box. by the end, the boxes were STUFFED to the brim with fresh produce, topped off with fresh basil and oregano, the smells of which were amazing. then, various people came to pick up the boxes and drop them off at their assigned stations, and i was free to go.

this took from 7 am - 3 pm. there was lots of walking back and forth between fields, bending and standing, reaching, strange moving, etc. needless to say i'm exhausted.

it was a good first day. i felt a little sad because i'm new and being new on a job is never fun, but i hope as time goes on i become more comfortable and make friends here. talking to ivan about spiderman helped.

The arrival

Today was the beginning of my summer farm adventure. I woke up at 5 am in order to make it to Newark Airport in time for my flight at 7:40. I was strangely organized and thus didn't have to do this morning, so we left pretty fast. Unfortunately, my poor mother began getting stomach cramps after we got in the car. I felt bad because I am pretty sure it was nerves about my leaving and her worrying that I'll be okay. Sadly, we had to drop her off somewhere to use the bathroom but had to continue onto the airport without her because otherwise I would have been late. It was really hard to leave her there. Not only because I knew that she was suffering and alone, but because it was the first time that she wasn't there to see me off at the airport. It just felt like a turning point for me, like a real wake-up call that something I have always taken for granted won't always be there.

I found out later that she was feeling better, and that made me feel better. I flew from Newark to Houston, then Houston to San Jose. I fell asleep on both flights and was passed out through both of them mostly. I made a friend on the 2nd flight, Bobby. He was a really cool guy from near San Jose. Probably a surfer dude. Either way, he was really friendly and fun to talk to. We flew over some crazy fires right before we were going to land, and he was taking photos of them. Apparently some part of CA has been on fire for the last two weeks and they can't seem to get it under control. Nuts, huh?

Well, I landed in San Jose and was met by John and Anna (I assume his stepdaughter?) and their dog, Shorty. It was a very festive gathering. John, who is very laid back, indeed had a pickup truck, except it was humungous and nothing I had ever seen before. I can't imagine what the gas mileage is on that car. It took us nearly 3 hours to get to Firebaugh (the town where the farm is) because we stopped at Wal Mart to get me a toothbrush and grabbed some lunch at Subway. But the long journey gave us time to chat. John's involved in a dozen different projects, which is very exciting. He owns land all over the place and does both conventional and organic farming, although organic is his favorite and his focus.

When we arrived at the house, I was led to my bedroom, and its a spacious room that they just repainted blue. It's quite nice, and I have a little rocking chair and tiny TV! That's more than I was expecting, so I was happy. Later, Shelby (John's partner and Anna's mom) came around and we walked around the farm together and she showed me where everything is growing. We met the baby goats (adorable), picked apricots, lettuce and radishes. I then went inside and made myself a salad with the lettuce and radishes and ate some apricots on the side. A nice light meal since I've felt pretty bulky lately.

Shelby and Anna just left, and here I am in the house, all alone. There are no other interns here yet, so its just me. It's a little weird to be here by myself but they say that its safe, so I'm hoping that's true. The other workers live on the land nearby, so I'm not totally isolated.

It's been a tough day. Emotional. Highs and lows. I'm excited to be here, but definitely feeling the transition is going to be hard. For instance, we don't have a stove, just an electric griddle. I'm sure I can make it work, but that's just another layer of discomfort to deal with. The house is undergoing a great deal of re-construction, so living here while that is going on will be tough. Many of the workers here do not speak english at all; since I don't speak spanish, I'm wondering how I am going to communicate. There's a ton of stuff that's on my mind. But, I am trying to stay calm and keep the faith that things will work out. Yes, my friends, I am trying to live and let God.

We'll see. Tomorrow I am to get up and be ready for work by 7 AM for the "box-filling" ritual - this is when we fill boxes to send down to the members of our CSA. I'm excited about it.

reality is setting in

the fact that i'll be gone all summer has finally begun to set in. i think its because i'm now beginning to experience "the last" of everything. for instance, tonight is the last sunday night i'll spend here this summer; yesterday was the last saturday afternoon. there are things associated with these days that make it particularly hard. for instance, i'm used to spending saturday afternoons with my mother. most of the time, we're both in the house at the same time and even though we're often doing our own thing, we'll end up at some point in the kitchen drinking coffee together or eating leftovers for lunch while gabbing for an hour. its just a really nice thing that became a ritual, and even though it didn't actually happen yesterday, the chance for that to happen is over. its hard to say goodbye to that.

sunday nights i often spend with both of my parents, watching a movie or tv, or just sitting and chatting. today we (unexpectedly) spent shopping for clothes for my trip and then we had lunch together. afterwards we came home and as usual, watched a movie (semi-pro with will ferrill - completely ridiculous but funny). again, it wasn't a night of any kind of importance, but the ritual of spending that time together made it feel important...and tonight is the last night that it will likely happen for quite some time.

if i were only going away for two months, none of this would feel as heavy. but the truth is that since i am considering transferring (although totally unsure of where/when, etc), the fact is that these mini goodbyes may be longer than just a mere summer in length. that's what makes it hard.

despite it, i'm proud that i haven't crumbled because of it. last year when i was getting ready to go to starr king out in berkeley, all of these thoughts literally made me physically sick. i was not only anxious and irritable all of the time, but i developed severe digestive problems. the guilt was killing me. its clear that the past year has really allowed me to develop the perspective necessary to realize that i shouldn't feel guilty for going away. although i am emotional, i can't let that stop me from living my life and pursuing my goals and dreams.

i'll miss jackson, my godson. he's 2. i love seeing the progress he makes when i get to see him even just once a week. the thought that i'll come back and he'll see me as a stranger is heartbreaking. that perhaps is one of the hardest things to deal with.

and my brother. i worry about him. i pray that he remains safe.

the ticket is booked!

i just hung up the phone with continental airlines and have officially booked my ticket for san jose leaving june 11 at 7:40 AM. woohoo! (by the way, the farm's name is Lone Willow Ranch). i'm super excited, nervous and a ton of other emotions all rolled into one. as it comes closer i find myself having doubts, but i realize that's only fear. on the flipside, i'm really quite happy and looking forward to what lies ahead.

barack obama won the nomination tonight and gave his speech in st. paul, minnesota. i cried throughout his speech because if this man could actually put into place what he dreams of, he (we) really does have the ability to completely change the course of our nation's history and the history of the entire world. finally, perhaps, freedom and equality will be available for all people; finally the very system which has oppressed so many for so long will be overturned, redefined, reimagined. i am dreaming along with him and alongside many americans and many citizens of the world tonight that what he speaks of does indeed come true.

he said one thing in particular which hit close to home, and that is that change means allowing our hopes and visions to rule and inspire us rather than our fears and limitations. (ok, hardly his exact words, but the sentiment is there). i realized that for so long i have let my fears be my guide. but what if i flipped this over and allowed my hopes to guide me instead? how much more could i accomplish, how many more places could i go? would i respect my own thoughts / emotions / intellect more if i adopted this attitude? would i be more comfortable speaking in class? would i take more risks with my acting? would i be more likely to travel, to venture away from my comfort zone? the answer is likely YES. all of these changes are possible by one simple thing: a shift in attitude.

as i pray for this change in the greater world, i pray for this change in myself. after all, that is where all important change begins.