to those of you who don't know: in december of last year, i began to entertain the idea of going to work on a farm this summer. as the months came and went, the desire grew stronger. so i finally applied and was ultimately accepted at one farm in california that i had become quite fond of. it is an organic and CSA farm that grows all sorts of produce and fruit. they also have animals - goats in particular - and they milk those goats for making goat cheese. the main farmer, john, is a very laid-back guy who has been farming for over 20 years. we spoke on the phone only once, but its clear he's very passionate about his job and excited to teach newcomers.
i have trouble making decisions. but in this case i decided to go without thinking too much about it. you see i have been facing another big decision lately: that is, whether or not to transfer out of Union to another seminary elsewhere in the country. i thought that getting away for the summer and having time to think would help me to figure out what i wanted, and so thus the commitment to the farm was born.
however, then spring sprung in new york, and things weren't so clear anymore. i *love* summer in new york, and when i began to get that feeling, i didn't want to leave. plus, once school was out, it became SO nice to spend time with friends and enjoy NOT being in class! i had images of staying in NY and having a wonderful and leisurely summer, spending lots of time in the sun and hanging out with friends. truly it was an image that was hard to beat. additionally, i could take acting classes and get involved in some farm-related activities in the area here. thoughts began to swirl.
well, for the last three weeks i have been thinking about these things, and haven't been able to make my mind up. even though i said i was going to the farm, in the back of my mind it wasn't that clear cut anymore. but the problem wasn't even so much not knowing what i wanted. the problem was that the indecision made me feel totally stuck. i felt trapped. i couldn't enjoy my days any longer. individual moments were lost to me because all i could do was ruminate. it isn't the first time i have felt this way; in fact, i know this feeling well.
decisions make me very nervous. i become afraid that i am leaving something irreplaceable behind, and that i am making a mistake and whatever lay ahead of me is misery compared with what i am leaving. to the sane mind, this thinking is totally irrational. nonetheless, this is how my mind works. i do this with unimportant things such as which magazine to buy at the grocery store. in that situation, its easier to take a risk. but when dealing with the course of your life, its a bigger deal.
well, over the last few weeks i have done a great deal of thinking. but then the other day, i finally decided to replace some of that thinking with some praying. and i also set a timeline for myself. i said that by a certain night, come hell or high water, i would make a decision. and even if i woke up the next day and felt like it was wrong, i wasn't allowed to change my mind. that was it.
so this is precisely what i did. that morning, i prayed. i went for a long walk as well. i went to work and put the dilemma out of my mind. and at one point during the day, i was outside, and i happen to see this catepillar crawling up the side of the building. it was so beautiful: moving so slowly, on a path towards a destination unknown to me. it fell off the building, but turned around and began to crawl right back up. being out there and witnessing that moment, and also having the awareness of what that catepillar will soon turn into filled me with my original inspiration about this farm job: the desire to be outside and interact with nature. the catepillar reminded me of that desire.
and further, the night before i spoke with a friend, and i realized that i had developed negative expectations about what lay ahead for me. when watching the catepillar's life, i was able to look ahead and know it would eventually become a butterfly. but in my situation, i expected to go to this farm and end up being stranded in the middle of nowhere with no outlets for culture or socialization. but my friend made me realize what negative thinking that was. and because of her i was able to realize that i had been viewing my future through very foggy glasses. i was putting the idea of staying in NY on a pedastal because that's something i know. i could put a face to that experience whereas the farm had no face for me. therefore, staying in NY seemed more attractive.
through all of this, i think i came to realize that i was thinking of staying in NY for some very genuine reasons, but also out of fear. i began to tell myself that perhaps CA could be amazing. i may meet wonderful people there, learn valuable things, frequest lots of local joints and for the first time truly experience what its like to live in the country. and soon after this, i knew that i had to go.
and i am happy to say that once i made the decision, i didn't look back. i didn't even want to. it just felt right, and i still feel right by it. once i decided i felt so at peace with myself, and could suddenly begin enjoying my days and moments again because i wasn't locked into this tight middle space i had forced myself into.
dare i say ... i feel free!
