a summer with goats

the thieving magpie

2008-07-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

One of the most distinguishing things about this farm is the number of dogs that roam the property. Off the top of my head I can think of about 8. There is hardly enough space on here to discuss each dog’s distinct personality and their interpersonal drama with the other dogs in the neighborhood, but trust me – the plots and story lines are never-ending.

A few weeks after I began working here, a big white dog appeared. She was extremely friendly and whenever we went near her house, she would then follow us around for a little while. Usually she would tail us for an hour or so, then wander off. As time has gone on, Maggie now follows us everywhere and for HOURS, often for the length of the entire day. In fact, this tailing has gotten so intense that it is nearly impossible to get Maggie to go away. When we go inside for our breaks, I literally close the door in her face but she will wait there until we come out. Sometimes she even sneaks into the house after we go inside - we have no idea how she gets in. In short, we can’t get rid of her.

And frankly, until recently we haven’t really wanted to (except when she’d roll around in the green beans while we were trying to pick them; yes, she has a tendency of laying on [more accurately] destroying whatever we are working on). What we learned about Maggie is that she’s a sweet dog. She’s an old, white, arthritic dog who just loves company and is fiercely loyal to us for some bizarre reason. While the other dogs in the neighborhood vary in temperament, many of them possessing angry and aggressive natures, Maggie is kind, jovial and peaceful.

Or so we thought.

A couple of weeks ago, when Maggie began to get really close to us, she followed us to our house which is where the goats are. Suddenly and without warning she began barking, jumping and intimidating the goats through the fence. She was growling and running around like she was crazy. This behavior was totally out of character! We had never seen this aggressive side of Maggie. But, we began to notice that whenever she was around other animals, this was precisely how she acted.

Simultaneously, Farmer John brought 45 chickens to our farm. They were placed in their own little gated pen and they have a trailer inside of the pen where they sleep. Each morning we let them out of their trailer into the yard, and each evening we lock them up. They’re here to clean up the fields. Every few days we move them around to new parts of the farm and they eat whatever is leftover so we can sow the soil for the new crops. Personally, I love the chickens. They’re adorable.

The problem is that apparently, the chickens love us, too. In the mornings after we let them out of their trailer, they fly over their fence and follow us as we walk away from their pen. We then have to chase them down and put them back in. Often, this will happen several times per day. We have warned John about this and he installed a 2nd fence so they they can’t go through the holes anymore (this was their first escape route), but they’re still able to fly over since its only 4 feet high.

Well, Maggie was pretty happy when the chickens came, because that meant she had more animals to torment. In one moment she’s all licks and wags, the next barks and growls. Her favorite thing seems to be to run (full-speed!) toward the fence and scare the living hell out of the chickens so they crowd into another corner of the pen. She will then circle around to the other side of the pen and do the same thing. In short, Maggie is a mean bitch.

Despite Maggie’s aggressive behavior with the chickens, nothing bad had happened. We did a good job of rescuing the strays before Maggie appeared and put them back in their pen. But one week ago, all of this changed.

On Saturday, a chicken escaped and Ivan asked me to go put it back into the pen. So, I wandered over and began to chase the chicken around, trying to grab it. (They’re incredibly fast.) Unfortunately, I didn’t realize Maggie was behind me and she began to chase the chicken, too. I was on one side, Maggie was on the other. Except Maggie had blood on her mind.

Again, I had seen Maggie do this several times before, so I wasn’t really concerned that something tragic might happen in a mere few seconds. In fact I was standing still while Maggie chased the chicken near me, hoping the chicken would run close and I could scoop her feathery self up and plop her back into the pen. Unfortunately, Maggie turned on the heat, and instead of flying back into the pen (the poor chicken was trying to squeeze through the fence holes because she was so scared) she hid in a bush. It became really quiet all of a sudden. No one was moving, not me, not Maggie, not the chicken. I wasn’t sure if I should go pluck her out of the bush or wait for her to come out. Unfortunately, Maggie made a decision before I did. She pounced on the bush and I heard the poor chicken scream, and then suddenly Maggie emerged, a mass of feathers in her mouth. She trotted away and disappeared for two hours. Breakfast.

This was one of the most horrifying things I have ever seen in my life. I’ve never seen an animal murdered directly in front of me, much less in a fashion so bloody and vicious. Further, I am really attached to both the chickens and to Maggie. The thought that the dog we considered to be our friend could so gruesomely murder our cute little chicken pal was incredibly upsetting.

So, I’m mad at Maggie. I haven’t really spoken to her much this week. Instead, I toss her mean glances and refuse to pet her even when she licks my fingers.

And sadly, the chickens are still getting out of the pen. John is researching techniques to keep them in there, but for now, we’re still chasing them down most mornings. Luckily, Emily has a lot more patience with Maggie than I do, so she has been keeping her away from the chickens while Matt and I rescue them.

It was a rough day, and a tough week. And I am left with mixed feelings about this. I keep blaming Maggie for being vicious, but friends insist that she was just following her animal instincts. Emily tells me that I eat chicken too, so I’m really no different. So I guess I’m wondering, is that true? Am I a vicious murderer? Or am I being too hard on the Magpie?

back on the farm, with additions!

2008-07-22T17:49:00.001-07:00

hello all! so i returned to the farm on sunday night to a mass of people picking me up from the train station: shelby, her two daughters anna and laura, then emily and our new intern, matthias (from france). we stopped and ate at in & out burger on our way back to firebaugh. i hadn't eaten there in years so it was a treat. we stopped at shelby's to drop off her daughters but ran into john at the house. we were going to leave quickly, but we ended up hanging out, drinking wine and eating cheese for about an hour while babbling about everything under the sun. it was a really pleasant way to return.

i had been told that there were a number of "surprises" in store for me at the ranch, so i was eager to find out what exactly these consisted of. as we pulled up in the darkness, shelby asked me if i could "help her out." "umm, sure," i said, not really knowing what she meant. "it shouldn't take too long, but its easier with two people," she said. now i was worried. "what are we doing?"

the car stopped, but emily and matthias got out as well. i noticed something new in a little fenced-in area: a big white trailer with a chicken painted on the outside. apparently, the chickens (who had formerly lived at shelby's house) had moved to the ranch! and the help that shelby needed was help in rounding them up and putting them inside of their little trailer for the night.

she was crawling around under the trailer because some of them were asleep there. she grabbed a chicken and i was standing next to her, watching. suddenly she handed it to me. i completely freaked out, not seeing this coming, and ran in the other direction. "i'm not touching that!" i yelled, still very much in my city mindset. emily and matt got a kick out of this because they had been doing this for two days already. so, they grabbed the chickens from shelby and put them into the trailer one by one. finally, i decided i needed to get used to it, so i grabbed one as well. i was surprised by how docile the chicken was. it was feathery and cute. we got them all cozy and then said goodnight.

and so, our new task is to let the chickens out in the morning, feed them, water them, and then put them away at night. the early morning ritual has been a little difficult because chickens seem to really like people (or just us, who knows). so after we let them out into their little pen and walk away, they follow us. they fly over the electric fence or simply squeeze through its holes. (the electricity is clearly not doing its job) today, while on the phone i was wandering around the farm and a chicken escaped! luckily i was able to grab it and put it back in. one must wonder how many escape and run off towards chicken freedom before we realize it. sniff.

i'm really enjoying this new task of ours. anyone who knows me well knows my lifelong appreciation of chickens, so to be interacting with them personally on a daily basis is rather fun. i'm still working on catching them -- that part is hard, especially because if you don't do it right, they flap vigorously and its downright frightening. but i'm getting there.

another day

2008-07-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

another amazing day.

first class, then a quick falafel on the way to the BART with patricia and june. we exited in san francisco then got a taxi to the deyoung museum where we saw an exhibit of dale chihuly's work. if you don't know, he's a glass blower from seattle who does pretty outrageous work. the colors and shapes were overwhelming and inspiring. but it didn't take long to become exhausted by it all. thankfully, around this point the exhibit was over, and we got to rest.

we took a break at the japanese tea garden, then finished up our time wandering around and checking out various other collections. afterwards we took a taxi over to a chinese restaurant that i had researched called "house of nanking." it wasn't your typical chinese restaurant, but the food was excellent. we had a rice custard soup, bean shoot salad with tofu, sesame chicken, fried calamari in a garlic/rice vinegar sauce, green beans. the tea was served with fresh peppermint and flowers floating inside. unexpected but lovely.

we were stuffed after dinner and made our way back to the BART sloooowly, stopping on each corner, looking at the various architecture hiding up and down each long, narrow city street. our eyes were called to the combination of lines and curves and stone and brick layered upon one another high in the sky, then brought down by an orange sunset beaming off of sparkling glass, and down further to signs in chinese, japanese, english, filipino, and people of all races and ages and sexes and genders and classes and bodies and faces. sometimes the concrete where we stood was different and worth noticing; often it was enough to simply listen to the voices that passed by and got caught in the nooks of our ears. and on each corner we'd repeat this ritual, looking left, right, up, down; patricia would grab my arm and pull me over to the massive metal keys that stuck out of the ground as some type of sculpture; june would scream when she saw grass on a roof and thought it looked like a giant chia pet. i yelled jesus' name when i saw just how many blocks chinatown went on for. and so it went until we reached the BART station, our legs tired, aching, from walking the hills, ready for a break.

and we took one; back to our station, berkeley, and directly into the gelato shop where i tasted the most perfect pistachio iced cream/gelato/anything i have ever encountered in my entire existence. it was exploding with pistachio flavor, its color a caramel brown rather than a strange green or a creepy white. the flavor was...how do i say this....REAL...it was like toasted pistachios ground up, mixed with cream and sugar, frozen, and served. yes, it tasted the way it should taste, but never does. i had a scoop of it with a scoop of scharfen berger chocolate, and my night was pretty much complete.

we sat for awhile eating our gelato, talking about religion, spirituality, and eventually began to wander back to the dorms. up the hill, past all the lovely flowers, the gardens, the cacti, the hobbit houses. patricia generously offered to give me a massage to help the pain in my back. it did indeed help, and afterwards i returned home, putting a nice, relaxing end to a long but really wonderful day.

i'm amazed at how much i have bonded with some of the people in my class in such a short time. its been only 4 days but it feels so much longer. so strange.

i remain inspired, excited, and dreaming. i remain interested in creating. being in san francisco tonight filled me with a buzz i never usually feel, not even in new york. it was a true, deep excitement and wonderment, a bubbling joy.

a short one

2008-07-16T23:59:00.000-07:00

are you interested in seeing some old photos from the farm along with photos from berkeley? go here:

Farm/Berkeley Album

i'm exhausted. i think i walked about 5 miles in total today. my god.

in short, i am feeling exhilarated by the fact that i am involved in a creative pursuit again. all of this writing has been SO good for me. in fact i haven't felt this pumped up creatively since college. i am having a great time and i can't believe i let my creativity go for so long. sure i've been acting, but there's something different about writing your own words.

its very exciting....to be imagining, dreaming, feeling again. i feel...tapped in.

catching up!!

2008-07-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

this is from yesterday:

after class today i raced down to a french restaurant named Gregoire because i heard their potato puffs were amazing and i wanted to eat some. the walk took longer than i had remembered and i was hungry; but finally i could see the restaurant there and it would only be a few more seconds until i could feast. but i noticed something funny; this ultra-popular restaurant was totally dead. no one waiting outside as they had the other day, no tables on the sidewalk or windows opened. as i came closer, i realized they were closed. but...wait a second. its a tuesday! aren't restaurants supposed to be closed on mondays?? but then i read the sign: "closed on tuesday july 15 for a staff picnic". how sweet, but...where are my potato puffs?!

instead i went across the street to a fancy pizzeria. i had eyeballed it last time i was here but we didn't get to eat there. turns out that they only make ONE type of pizza per day - huh? ONE. no variations or options. well, the best part about this is that THIS PLACE GETS DAMNED PACKED!!!! sure the food is good, but a pizzeria that makes only one kind of pizza? i can't help but wonder if something like that would fly in NYC.....i doubt it.

afterwards i went to meet up with the admissions coordinator and the new student body president from Starr King. we talked for about an hour and really eased my fears about SKSM, dispelled the rumors, and gave me a good sense of the environment of the school. i have a lot of stuff swirling around in my mind about this and my decision; i have a lot of thinking to do.

not long afterwards, patricia, lydia and june and i had reservations at chez panisse. this was the longest and most wonderful meal ever. we had appetizers, dinner and dessert. i had a salad with baked goat cheese and polenta with escarole, beans, porcini mushrooms and a stewed tomato. superb. lydia and patricia had the salmon, which was perfectly pink, and june had a pizzette with gremolata and the roasted chicken. the entire meal was amazing.

for dessert i ordered the flourless chocolate cake served very simply with a dollop of whipped cream and some chocolate sauce. it was just exquisite; soft rich cake combined with the crispy texture of the crust made this just explode in your mouth. i could have eaten about 17 of these. yuuuum.

i think we were there for about two hours, and we finally left to walk off our meal. we stumbled upon a tea shop, the same one me and my friend laura went to last march. the guy who worked there really knew his stuff and i bought some tea that i've been wanting for awhile now. it was such a wonderful encounter. it wasn't your typical retail experience. we went in, spoke to the tea man (ariel was his name) at length. there was no rush. he made tea for us and we sat around drinking and talking, joking and taking our time. he answered our questions and when he didn't know the answers he made phone calls to find out. he was dedicated to his job and to pleasing us. after awhile we settled on what we wanted to purchase, both myself and my classmate, and said goodbye.

there was something really special about the night. i walk around the world often feeling disconnected. i think a lot of that has to do simply with the culture of our country; its just the way things are. but last night was different. chez panisse was so personal; so intentional; so slow. its imparted in the food, in the service, in the way the place is run. to go from that environment to the tea shop, yet another wonderfully personal experience, was quite delightful.

it was night now, and patricia and i headed home. our other friends left earlier. i told her about what i am going through these days, and she then taught me about dowsing - a pretty amazing technique that i won't explain, but its basically a way to check in with your intuition. pretty incredible, i must say.

berkeley

2008-07-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

friends, i'm up in berkeley for the week for my class at the pacific school of religion. the class is "writing as a healing practice." its good so far; intense because we have to write about a lot of trauma from our lives and share it. but good.

needless to say i'm doing a lot of thinking up here and that's been difficult. so far the summer has been mostly think-free, but now decisions must be made and i'm feeling stressed out.

that aside, i'm enjoying the bay area immensely, likely because of the onslaught of attractive people who seem to live here, along with the incredible liberalism and genuine appreciation of good food. i must say, this is a quality that i haven't found anywhere else in my travels in the US. good food is not just appreciated but revered. and i'm not just talking about fancy restaurants. people love their local and organic produce and are hyper aware of where their food comes from. this is surely because of alice waters' impact on the place, but it is nonetheless in the air and i must say, i love that aspect of it.

i'm going to chez panisse (http://chezpanisse.com) for dinner tomorrow night with some classmates and am very excited about it. tonight i was wandering around and stumbled upon it, only to find that they were celebrating bastille day. there were two servers outside dressed to the nines, serving a $10 prix fixe including pate, mache (greens), cornichons, mustard, bread and butter, along with a glass of wine. though i had already eaten, how could i resist? there was a live band playing romantic french music and little tables set outside. people of all ages were milling around and everyone was in excellent spirits. it was the perfect way to end my night.

i've been doing my share of bopping around since i got here on saturday, hanging out in berkeley on saturday night eating thai food, then hitting a UU church on oakland on sunday afternoon. afterwards i zipped into san francisco to have dim sum, checked out a cartoon museum (really cool), then lay in a park for awhile. i contemplated going to a movie, but then figured it would be better to go home and try to get a head start on the readings. so i grabbed some food at mel's diner and headed home.

today, right after class i began to research somewhere for lunch and i found this seemingly great little indian place that was super cheap and had amazing reviews. sadly, my back has been hurting me again because of my plane injury, so i figured while i am up here in civilization, maybe i'll try to see a chiropractor up here. i managed to find someone about a block from the indian restaurant, so i headed over there in the hopes for grub and adjustment. the chiropractor was great, but she told me that if she didn't know better she'd have thought i was in an accident. apparently my body is an absolute wreck. i knew this; i was in a lot of pain. it was hard to sit upright in class. she worked me over a little, but we made two more appointments for later this week. cute little dyke.

sadly, "vik's" was closed; though i'm not sure if it was closed merely because it was a monday or if it was closed for good. hmm. i got a tip about a taco joint nearby, so i went there, and that was tasty but waaaaay overpriced. afterwards i did some "shopping", then headed back which was when i ran into chez panisse.

i was concerned before i got here that i would be eating so much that i'd be overweight by the time i got back to firebaugh and also totally out of shape. but i'm no longer concerned about this. the hills here are RIDICULOUS and painful, and in general because buses don't run very frequently i find myself walking everywhere. the exercise is great, but i've gotta say, i'm damned tired.

they got our goat!

2008-07-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

today was the first day that emily and i were to milk the goats alone (shiver). we had both seen it done several times before and helped out, but we were never left to run the whole show. now, let me qualify: we weren't abandoned through the process. jesus, the regular milker (and resident comedian) and ivan were there to observe and help out if things went amiss. and so it began!

there are 12 goats, and the milking goes as follows. the goats are herded into a small pen that is enclosed with an electric fence. we take out one at a time, "strip" the utter with our hand (which means to basically start the milking manually, get it flowing), then hook the goat up to a milking machine that does the rest. at this point we give the goats a little treat. (my favorite part) when the milking is done, we put the goat back in the electric pen and take another out. eventually we put the goats that we have milked back in their pasture so that we are able to keep better track of who has been milked and who hasn't. so this is the basic overall process.

jesus who has been doing this for 3 years twice a day has a great system and is fast. the goats know him and listen to him. so we weren't concerned when we started milking. the biggest problem at first was the stripping part. its really hard to milk by hand at first; you really need to get a feel for it. by the end of the morning though both emily and i were master strippers, woohoo. if only we knew the mess that would follow.

at first, things were slow and clunky, but we hit our stride. things were going well until we had 3 goats left: peanut, red mamma, and baby. (i know, i know). red mamma has an utter problem so her milk is bad; baby is the goat whose baby goat just died, so we don't keep her milk either. those two goats always are the last to be milked and we give it to the dogs. peanut's milk is fine, so we were going to milk her, empty the machine and then do the last two. well, right before we milked peanut we were milking brownie, and i noticed suddenly jesus was running toward the pen! i was totally confused but then saw that peanut somehow totally hopped over the fence and escaped! luckily she didn't run off, but she could have. he moved her back but a few minutes later i saw her on her hind legs chewing leaves HIGH up on a tree branch. i should mention that peanut is an odd goat; she's very sociable and pretty wild. generally, the goats we have don't act like this. after a few leaf nibbles both emily and i knew she was gonna make a run for it again and she did. ahhh! i tried to catch her but jesus ultimately saved the day again.

finally, after all of this we managed to milk peanut, then put her back into the pasture. now we had baby. she's not used to being milked, so our routine isn't familiar to her. she needs to be picked up and put on the platform; however, she has long horns, nails, and is quite large. god bless little emily for trying to accomplish this. she nearly picked her up but then i think the goat stepped on her and cut her finger. bad. she went inside to take care of it while i tried to coax baby up to the platform with grain. nope. suddenly, in the meantime, red mamma who was in the holding area went under the electric fence into the pasture! thankfully ivan was there to go grab her. afterwards he came and put baby on the platform. we milked her, and as we were finishing, guess what? red mamma escaped again!! (I just realized how long I've been writing about this and I'm getting concerned about myself). this time, red mamma had NO interest in being caught and put back in the pen. ivan was running around the pasture trying to catch her, lasso in hand, but she knew what he was up to. he tried to station emily and I so that we could prevent her from going further into the pasture, but as soon as red mamma turned on her jets and began to charge at us, we rolled out the red carpet and stepped aside. he finally had to fool them by giving them hay and managed to trap red mamma this way, thankfully.

so red mamma was being milked and it was almost 8:30. milking takes jesus usually about 1.5 hrs; took us 2.5. we were exhausted and wiped out with all of the escapes and emotion. finally, as I was putting red mamma back in the pasture, I somehow tripped over the milking machine and completely lost my balance. picture it: lasso around goat head in one hand, me teetering and almost about to fall on a milking machine, slab of solid wood and metal, and an inevitable array of injuries.

how I managed to regain my balance is beyond me, but it happened. i returned our last goat to her pen, cleaned up and called it a morning.

so, a mess it was, but we did it. john says that when the goats don't know you, they push the boundaries a little to see what they can get away with. well today, push they did.

somehow we need to figure out how to do this without being abused again.

regardless, i really liked the process of doing this. i think i'd to do it fully by hand to see what that's like. there's something very artesian about it that i enjoy. and i really, really like knowing what goes into milking goats and using that milk for cheesemaking or yogurt making or just simply drinking. it gives those products at the market much more character and importance, and us so much more appreciation.

sad goat

2008-07-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

last week, the baby goats were born, and everyone rejoiced. they are incredibly cute. john took us over to visit them (they're in a different pasture) and they were tinier than we imagined; so small, in fact, that you could pick them up and pet them. the poor things were such messes that they could barely stand up properly. one of them fell flat on its belly. so cute. i think there were about 5 total, with more on the way.

while we were there, the baby goats were getting milk from their mammas. however, for some reason, a couple of the mammas weren't taking to the whole milk-giving process. apparently farmer john says its really painful, and some are in more pain than others. john has to basically force the mammas to stay still sot he babies can drink. but when he's not around, sometimes the mammas kick the babies away so they can't drink the milk, and unfortunately, this can actually kill the babies.

luckily, no babies were outright murdered. however, we were informed that one of the babies that we met died because it didn't get enough milk. sniff. that was the only baby that this particular mamma had, and farmer john moved that mamma over to our pasture here. she came here late last night and has been crying, non-stop, all day long. i think the other goats are getting irritated with her because they've been beating her up. i know, insult to injury, right. we heard her crying incessantly this evening so we went outside, convinced we were going to find her hanging from a tree or something, but instead she just stood there staring at us, crying loudly. then, from a corner of the pasture i saw blackie, another goat, back up and charge at her, ramming her with her head and knocking her against the house. vicious beast. the next thing i knew, two other goats got into the act and began to beat her up too.

its a sad state of affairs right now for this little goatling. i'm sure the other goats are giving her a hard time too because she's a newbie, but its very sad to hear those cries echoing out from the pasture all night long, knowing not only that she's mourning her baby, but that she's also getting bullied.

photos!

2008-07-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

blog viewers! a beautiful day has arrived. that is, today - july 10, 2008 - "jim" came to install our antenna, which means we actually have internet access that runs at a decent speed. this means i can upload my photos and videos for your viewing pleasure, and that makes me happy.

as you could imagine, i'm backlogged right now, so i'll just put up a few at a time. i'm sure that those of you who read yesterday's blog are eager to hear if mother m was posted, and i'm happy to report that yes, she was. so just go to yesterday's post and you can take a look at what i saw in the shower. i feel that the similarities are glaringly obvious, but in case you require clarification, don't hesitate to ask.

a brief update: today was 110 degrees and painful. luckily, we packed boxes for the CSA today and we decided to do that in the large walk-in fridge, which was great. we were in there for hours. however, the heat still got to me and i came home and collapsed for an hour, virtually incapable of getting back up. i developed a headache later on, and have been pretty irritable all day. it hasn't been the best day, honestly; i crave civilization and time alone (contradictory?). thankfully, i have a 4 hour train ride to berkeley this weekend to look forward to, and an entire week of being in a more bustling environment. i'm getting very upset that i can't get off this farm. we're literally trapped here. although everyone has been nice and helpful about taking us places that we need to go, it would be nice not to have to wait until we "need" something to leave. walking is too far, the bicycles are broken (we tried to get them fixed but can't seem to find help with this), and we're usually able to get a ride into town but can't find one back. its extremely frustrating. sometimes all i want to do is go to town on a wednesday night and eat some mexican food, then come back and go to bed. nothing extravagant, but nonetheless impossible. i'm steaming over it.

anyway, i must try to remain positive or else i'll crumble, and i know that. so that's the plan. 1.5 more days of work and i'm out of here for 8 days.

here are those pictures i promised:

i would like to post more, but the internet is pretty slow, and i don't have patience right now with the heat and all of these damned flies. also i'm sorry the photos above are all staggered and weird. fuck it is what i say. i don't know why they look that way and after 30 minutes of trying to figure it out, i don't care.

hi.

i'm going to bed. hope you enjoy the photos, few though there are. i'll post the rest tomorrow if i make it till then.

the virgin in a strand of hair

2008-07-10T05:35:00.000-07:00

I didn't think it was possible, but the virgin mary appeared to me today in the shower. As I was lathering up, I noticed something was on the vinyl showercurtain. I didn't pay any attention to it though. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw it again, and I realized what it was: a strand of my roommate Emily's hair, curled up to look like an image of none other than the virgin mary.

Trust me, I too felt this was weird. I kept looking at it from various angles, convinced I had made this up. Surely it was an illusion. But no, there was a distinct similarity between this strand of hair and typical images of the blessed mother that we are used to seeing.

I know what you're thinking. "Michele has gone off the deep end." "We're flying to California and getting her off that damned farm." "Perhaps 12 years of Catholic school was a bit excessive..?"

I can hear all these thoughts rattling through your minds. Think them. They won't break me.

I've got #1 in my shower. The uterus to end all uteruses.

And don't fret; there are photos. In a few, she disappeared. Guess she does that in the ones she doesn't like. (I wish I had that power.) In others, the ones without the flash, she appeared in full glory.

I haven't decided what the point of all of this is just yet. But surely it means something. While I figure it all out, my best advice to you is to watch out for stray hairs on your showercurtain. You never know where your next religious experience may come from.

HOT

2008-07-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

friends: don't be fooled. it has officially gotten HOT in the central valley of california. i don't quite understand what's going on though, because suddenly the "dry heat" that i had heard so many precious things about has become a dripping, sodden blanket draped over our bodies from head to toe. one cannot leave the house without walking into a tunnel of moisture. so, not only is it 100 degrees, but its as wet as can be. california! what the hell?

i'm bitter, as you can see. dry heat my tuckus.

so today, this is what we faced. we woke up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and headed out the door. (ok, perhaps that's a slight exaggeration) but we did indeed head out the door, ready for a new day of tasks and trials and triumphs. we picked squash and cucumbers as has become our routine, and this went fairly well. but then we moved onto the bean picking. we have four rows of beans. two green, two yellow. they're fun; i like them because it takes a distinguishing hand to tell the difference between a bean that's plump and just firm enough to be picked and a bean that needs a couple of more days of sun. although i like picking beans, i must emphasize the sheer number of plants we have to work with. maybe 200? either way, LOTS.

so, emily and i dove into bean duty, but after about 45 minutes she began to break out. apparently emily has an allergy to bean plants! she then went to pick peaches instead while i stayed on the beans. pick, pick, pick. out there in the field, the sun just beats down on you. sure, it was 7:45. it didn't matter. it was still hot as hell and only getting hotter. thankfully, in a few minutes, ivan came over to help out, but then we got interrupted to go and transplant melons, winter & summer squash, and cucumbers.

and so the morning came and went much like this. i rotated back and forth between bean picking and melon/squash/cuke transplanting, emily dealt with peaches and then right before lunch we came together to work on planting lettuce seeds. we normally do planting when its really hot out so that we can get a break. we do it inside of the shed where its usually a little cooler. but today there was no escaping the heat. you see, there was no breeze; and without a breeze, you're basically sucking steam. not pleasant. we took a lunch break, then went back into the shed to finish this task off, and were joyfully interrupted by a phone call from farmer john who told us to take the afternoon off because it was so hot. putting the phone down i noticed the sheen of sweat that had formed on my arms. i felt like a human slip and slide.

so we came inside, showered, and rested. thankfully its cool in the house. we don't have air conditioning, but somehow the house stays cool, and all i can do is praise god for that little mystery. because of the crazy temperatures expected for this week (110!), farmer john told us to start work at 5:30 beginning tomorrow. thus, such will happen. its 8:45 right now and i should have been in bed about 15 minutes ago. tomorrow i need to get to bed on time.

though i may complain, i'm still enjoying myself. i've gotten to the point where i no longer feel like a visitor but rather like this is what my life actually consists of. i'm trying hard to get into the moment and not be distracted by the past or future. its difficult, but the intense heat and work help me to stay focused.

the return

2008-07-06T21:34:00.001-07:00

Hello all! I have returned from my journey to Monterey. Albert and I pulled up last night at around 11:45pm. The front door was locked (I'm convinced they did this to play a joke on me because I always lock doors as a crazy NY'er and they just laugh). I had to use the side door which forced me into an encounter with what I believe was a frog. I'm not sure it was a frog, though. Regardless, it was a rather pitiful creature as it actually jumped into a closed door a couple of times before it realized it should go a different way. Rather humorous.

Albert left immediately for LA because of his piano gig on Sunday mornings. Poor thing only slept 4 hrs. But our trip was fabulous and I will post pictures and a play-by-play early this week! Our internet is still down so I'm blogging from my phone again. I haven't decided if I'm really dedicated to this thing or just a flat-out loser. Hmm...

I feel so refreshed after our trip. I spent today relaxing, eating great meals that Shelby cooked (breakfast burritos then later burgers with roasted garlic, basil and goat cheese). Later on I got in about an hour of reading and then Emily and I made yogurt right after John finished milking the goats. Then, perhaps the climax of the day was being presented with the birthday cake that Emily made me! The girl is amazing because, well, (1) she made me a cake and (2) WE DON'T HAVE AN OVEN! Seems impossible? Get this! She made pancakes and stacked them on top of each other to form the cake. She put icing and strawberries in between the layers (probably 7 in total) then covered it in icing and more strawberries. Insane! What's more is that MOST of the cake was made from stuff from the farm. She made the batter with regular flour but used our goat's milk; the strawberries are grown right here; and the icing was made using the chevre and sour cream we made and mixing it with confectioner's sugar. It was pretty and delicious!! Thanks again, Emily! :)

We ate it while watching Labyrinth, a movie given to me by Jenn starring none other than the love of my life, David Bowie. I really enjoyed the movie. It was a little weird, but not so weird that it lost my attention. I thought it was engaging and fun. And of course, I got to indulge in DB for awhile.

I will post a photo of the birthday cake as soon as we have internet again. Should be Tuesday, but I'll let you know when its up.

Right now its way past my bedtime. I may start biking in the mornings before work this week. I'll keep you posted.

Monterey!

2008-07-04T18:01:00.001-07:00

Hello all! Just so you know, I have headed to Monterey, CA for the weekend. Woohoo! My friend Albert from my undergrad came up to meet me in Firebaugh and whisked me away! His birthday is July 4th and mine is July 5th, of the same year. We've always celebrated together from afar but never in the same place. This year its all changing.

Monterey is gorgeous. Seeing the ocean turned me into a pool. I love, love the ocean.

The air is clear, the sand is white, the water is blue. I'm with one of my best friends, I'm going to eat some incredibly fresh fish, and tonight we'll watch some fireworks over the Pacific. I love life!

I hope that you too are having a wonderful 4th of July! :)

its starting to taste like summer

2008-07-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

when i arrived here a few weeks ago, i had heard about a mysterious tomato field about a mile away that contained both tomatoes and basil. the tomato plants weren't ready yet, and the basil was just getting bigger.

emily and i had no access to the tomato field, mainly because we didn't know where it was. then, about a week ago, shelby showed us where it was hiding and we ventured off in the mule (the 'mule' is a vehicle that we use to drive around the ranch - see photo) to check things out for ourselves. you see, our farm has apparently been very well known for its heirloom tomatoes in the past, shipping them around the country, to whole foods, and supplying area chefs in fresno and monterey. in fact, the variety of tomatoes listed on our website was one of the big selling points for my wanting to come here. check it out for yourself.

when emily and i visited the field, we found a few tomatoes; but really, just a few. maybe a handful in total. this was monday night, i believe. (to be fair, we didn't check out the entire field, but maybe only 1/3) today, however, was CSA day: the day that the boxes are filled and delivered to our CSA memebers. farmer john has some of his other workers help us on thursdays, and shortly past 11 am, jesus pulled up in the mule with 5 trays of tomatoes and 2 massive buckets of basil. unreal! there were tomatoes of all sizes and colors and shapes. i was amazed, and couldn't help but think, where were all of these on monday? did they just grow in the last 3 days? ahhh! tomato overload!

well no, not really. at noon we took our break, and i decided that for lunch, i would have a tomato and goat cheese salad. i sliced a maroon tomato fairly thick and its juice ran down my arm a dark crimson. it looked like a beet on the inside! wow. i had some leftover mozzarella, and also some of the fresh chevre that emily and i made (i coated some in black pepper and used it for the salad). i topped it all off with a chiffonade of basil and some balsamic vinegar, olive oil and touch of salt.

it was the most perfect lunch. light, fresh, beautiful.

our counter is now filled with a variety of tomatoes. we've taste-tested them all and we have our favorites. currently, mine is the green zebra. they are green and orange and are a little more tart than your average tomato, but have a really strong tomato taste that you wouldn't expect just by looking at them.

the best part of all of this is that these are the season's "first tomatoes", and according to farmer john, they don't compare whatsoever to what is going to come next. he keeps telling us to "just wait". i'm not sure if i can handle the suspense.

tired

2008-07-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

we began today by newspapering some more peppers. luckily, some other workers had removed the weeds, so we only had to wrap the newspaper around the pepper plant. you're probably thinking, "are peppers all they grow?" well, john is indeed growing a lot of peppers at the moment. he likes them. but there are other exciting things just around the corner: corn, tomatoes, tomatillos and melons! i'm dreaming of salsa, grilled corn, roasted tomatoes and melon for dessert. ahhh! can life get any better?

shockingly, despite (because of?) all this amazing food, i've managed to lose a few pounds. not only have i lost weight but i'm actually in better shape, and its only been 3 weeks or so. i obviously get about 10x the amount of exercise i was getting back home, but i'm also trying to eat less and better. i've also nearly cut out caffeine (except the occasional iced tea to 'pep me up') and i don't really drink alcohol either, except maybe once every other weekend or so. i feel healthy and good; things to remember for when i am back home.

after the pepper wrappage, we trotted off to pick some more garlic. ivan joined us at this point. man, let me tell you, this garlic grows DEEP in the ground, and the ground is dry. DRY. although the tractor came through and cut up the ground underneath the garlic, it is still packed in there. one of the rows in particular was really bad and the dirt was like cement. emily and ivan moved onto the rows that were easier, but being stubborn as i am, i decided to stay with the tough stuff. i was determined to get it out of there, 1) because i didn't want it to go to waste and 2) because i wanted to win the battle. in order to dislodge the garlic, i had to pick up massive bricks of dirt that were often immobile (in which case i'd try to break them up or move the dirt around them) so that i could pull the garlic out. the bed was a mess; it was a pile of chunks of hard, packed dirt, jutting out in various directions, so walking around posed the constant risk of a sprained ankle or, in my case, falling flat on your face. luckily neither happened.

so for about 2 hours, i worked on the garlic. one by one i freed each piece individually, overturning heavy blocks of dirt and plucking the garlic from its shackles. it was immensely satisfying.

after this, john popped in and showed us how to harvest lettuce seeds. apparently, all that you need to do is wait for the lettuce to flower, and the seeds are contained within the flower. so what we did was cut a bunch of the plants, put them in plastic bags and hung them in the shed. the seeds dry over the course of a few days, and then you pass them through a series of screens to eliminate debris. i'll try to get some photos of this when we do it.

after lunch, ivan went to visit his family "in the countryside". i was thinking, "what's more countryside than this?" but anyways, emily and i worked on planting some basil and zenia's. i like planting; its fun to have some say in what we're going to grow here.

at the end of the day i was simply exhausted, as i have been lately. i haven't been getting enough sleep, and i need to make sure this begins to happen again. when i got home, i fell asleep for about 3 hours, and i feel much better.

tomorrow morning, we pick green beans!

a final note: everyone, please go see WALL•E. its not just a movie about robots.

one of the greatest days of my life

2008-06-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

my brother got divorced today.

for those of you who don't know, he married his ex-wife, cheryl van pelt, on june 16, 2007. it was a marriage planted in very poor soil and needless to say, within months - arguably, shorter than months - withered to a brown, burnt crisp. the thought of divorce began to swirl about in december of 2007. after many attempts to save the marriage, the realization that it was hopeless settled upon them, and divorce proceedings began.

why is this one of the greatest days of my life? this is a valid question. in a nutshell, miss van pelt has hurt my brother, my family and myself immensely over the course of time that she has been in my brother's life. she has attempted to numb the soul of my brother, has insulted my parents, has alienated my aunt, and has demeaned and disrespected me for a year and a half straight. i tried time and time again to foster a positive relationship with her, but was only rejected and hurt some more.

because she was my brother's partner, i took a lot more than i should have. in fact, i never once made an issue out of the way she treated me, even though i was extremely hurt in many cases. i kept treating her kindly, trying to be the better person, trying to be understanding.

i didn't understand why god was putting me through this. i was enraged by some of the incidents that had occurred. i felt belittled and worthless. all i wanted to do was act out at her. scream in her face until she heard every word i had ever suppressed about her. but again - she was my brother's partner. how could i defend myself without causing a rift, either between them or between me and him? i didn't want to take the risk, so i chose to remain silent.

and all the while i prayed, silently, that this would somehow get resolved. all the while, they planned their wedding. more incidents occurred. months came and went and her insanely moody behavior continued and got worse. once they were married, she exploded from worse to horrifying.

i was a wreck with regard to all of this. in my mind, i was now stuck with this person as a member of my family forever. i would have to bite my tongue and allow myself to be insulted on a regular basis just to keep the peace. i kept asking god why? simply that. why?

i never did anything to hurt or upset cheryl despite what she did to me and my family. never partook in some revenge scheme. i just sat on by, praying that it would somehow get better.

and it did.

today is june 30, 2008, and as of 12:30 pm, my brother is officially divorced from this woman who has swept into our lives with nothing but destruction on her mind and heart. once my brother began to question his happiness, i finally began to tell him how i really felt about cheryl, and i began to cite some incidents that had occurred. but i was always honest, never manipulative or attempting to hurt anyone. and all on its own, the marriage began to unravel. he began to see her true colors.

so i sit here today feeling like through all of this time, god was watching. god saw that my family and i are good people and aren't out to hurt anyone, and god saw cheryl's unjust antics. so god made her antics backfire on her while meanwhile protecting us.

i don't know, but this is just one of those situations where i feel like there is divine intervention going on. i feel defended, strong and validated. through this i have learned to trust in god even when things are bleakest.

to quote the song 'faithful' that we sang in our gospel choir: "and i rejoice today cause i have recovered it all."

thank you, to everyone who supported me through the last 2+ years (namely jenn and my mother). thank you to my brother, steven, who listened when i talked to him and who had the strength to go through with something many people wouldn't have. and thank you to the divine, to god, to whatever you want to call it, who has whipped up the most beautiful bowl of just desserts anyone could have ever dreamed of.

life, my friends, is good.

i DROVE a tractor!

2008-06-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

we woke up this morning and were outside by 6ish, as usual. jesus took today off because he went rafting, so ivan had to milk the goats instead. we began the day by hanging out with ivan and helping him with the goats. he really didn't need our help, so we mostly observed and played with the goaties. they were very friendly this morning so we did lots of petting. many of the goats got very close to my face, which was a rather funny feeling, and several licked my sunglasses. i feel the goats and i have reached a new level of intimacy.

perhaps the funniest part of the morning was when ivan was finished milking and putting the goats back out into their pasture. the goats have gotten used to jesus, as he milks them twice a day, and so i think they were acting a little frisky with ivan and testing limits a little. one of the goats reached its long neck up and somehow grabbed a hold of ivan's straw hat (ivan is over 6 feet tall, by the way), and began gnawing on it. ivan tried to grab it back but it was too late; there was already a huge bite torn out of it. absolutely hilarious.

the one goat i like a lot is named brownie. she's very laid back and is what i imagine a buddha would be like. whereas some goats are jumpy and wild, brownie is very calm and serene. the photo you see here of me and a goat head is me and brownie's head.

the other photo is of me and a nameless goat. she is very pretty and looks a lot like a deer (as most goats do). i wonder if they're related somehow.

after the milking and hat-eating, emily and i were off to snip oregano. we did this for the remainder of the day. it started out as really cool out, but then got progressively warmer and more humid. by noon, we were ready to be done for the day. since we only work till noon on saturdays, it was perfect timing.

so we came in and relaxed. john swirled in later and told us that he was going to show us how to drive a tractor, and i was super excited. we geared up and he told us that we would be rototilling some new beds for planting. i can't explain how complex the inside of a tractor is. there's a clutch, two brake pedals, a wheel, both a gas pedal and a hand gas pedal, two separate gear shifters, and four controllers for the rototiller attachment. oh my! just looking at it is intimidating. but after watching john a couple of times, i managed to learn relatively quickly. its really satisfying to drive up and down the rows as the machine tills new soil for planting. i remember a couple of years ago, when i was trying to do this in my backyard to plant just a few tomatoes and some basil, i had to use a hand-held rototiller that took out about 8 inches at a time. it took us forever to till just 15 square feet!

so anyway, i guess its official: i'm a real country farm girl now. never in my life did i think i would actually drive a tractor, but today - june 28, 2008 - it happened. what could be next?

I rode on a tractor!!

2008-06-27T21:13:00.001-07:00

Hello loyal blog readers! My apologies for not posting yesterday. You see, the internet connection that we have here is very unsteady, and it sadly went out yesterday. Its also out today but I am blogging from my phone (that's right, I couldn't bear letting you down two days in a row). It won't be long because my thumbs are already getting tired but I do have some things of import to update you on.

First, emily and I are making our first batch of goat cheese! Indeed, it is a fresh chevre (the soft, spreadable stuff you usually see in logs). After the goats were milked last night, we took that milk and had to get the temperature to 86. The milk was literally right out of the utter so it was WARMER than 86! Therefore we had to add cold milk to cool it down. At this point, we added the culture, stirred it, then let it sit overnight. This afternoon the curds and whey had separated, so we strained it through cheesecloth and hung it for about 8 hours, pressing it at the end to release the water. At first it had a yogurty consistency but now its quite dried out. There has to be about 3 lbs of cheese there. For the night we rolled it into a ball, put it in a bag and stored it in the fridge. But I think tomorrow we're gonna salt it and maybe add some herbs too. We'll see!

Its amazing to me how easy the process of making it is. Basically you need access to the raw goat's milk (admittedly difficult to find) and the culture (easy to find). The other work invovled is mostly just waiting and nursing every now and again. Who knew!

This week we're gonna work on a brie, and I'm pumped about that. Plus last week I'm not sure if I mentioned that we made goat yogurt, and some of it was too watery so we strained it and now we have what's like a sour cream with a goaty flavor. Wild, but tasty!

The other exciting thing I need to report is that I RODE ON A TRACTOR today!! That's right. City girl on tractor. It was a load of fun. We were using the tractor to transplant peppers. So, the tractor went along and made holes along a row, and we rode on chairs behind filling each hole with a mini plant.

What's nice is that I've now seen several stages of the growing process: planting, creating the beds, making the holes, transplanting, weeding, newspapering, and, of course, harvesting. We're supposed to get into irrigation pretty soon and I'd alsp like to learn how to make compost. Hopefully those are on the agenda.

I do have photos to go along with today's post, but since the internet is down I can't upload them. However, make a mental note to come back and look for the pix in a couple of days if you are interested!

the cheese nun

2008-06-25T20:57:00.000-07:00

everyone who is reading this, please: go to this website and check out the story of this remarkable nun, sister noella marcellino. she's a benedictine nun who makes cheese for her abbey. however, she is also a microbiologist who became interested in the fungi that grows on cheese, and she embarked on research projects and a 3 year trip to france to pursue her studies. while on this journey she remained totally grounded and connected to her spirit and spirituality. she is now back with her sisters in connecticut but remains well known for her findings and, of course, her cheesemaking. it is a story that is inspiring for gourmands and spiritual junkies alike.

farmer john gave emily and i this dvd and we watched it last night. it was great. one of my favorite parts was when she says, "life without structure is not free." it coincided very well with what i am discovering about myself out here these days: a structured life really suits me. my life back back east (or anywhere) has always been highly unstructured and random, and i've always valued that. these days, most of my day is structured. certainly my bedtime and the time i wake up, along with meal times and the times i take a shower or a nap. the only unstructured time i have is from around 4-9. but this structure has made me feel more free than ever. things get done when they're supposed to, and everything actually does get done. plus, the limited free time forces me to be more constructive about how i choose to spend it. i've never been more productive or felt so in control of my responsibilities.

that said, it is 9:15 and i must go to bed. after all of the talk about structure, i must admit i've been eeking over my 9pm bedtime because of my late-night blogging. however, no more. its been affecting my ability to work during the day, so i need be in bed or, ideally, be asleep by 9pm.

tomorrow is the sustainable cotton workshop. should be fun.

the day they turned up their snouts

2008-06-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

today began at 6 by hitting the pepper field and doing more weeding. sadly, many of the plants have died because of all the weeds, so we are trying to rescue whichever ones managed to survive. so yes: more clipping newspaper and tucking it around the plant. but i've gotten used to this activity and have actually come to enjoy it, so it wasn't too bad. also, this morning was pretty chilly - around 60 degrees - so i had to wear a sweatshirt! hard to believe, but true; and it felt really good.

we weeded for awhile. a good 2 1/2 hours. at some point early in the morning, i heard a helicopter nearby and i looked up for it. it was really loud, and the sound is pronounced because in general there's not much noise on the farm other than the occasional angry goat grunting at at one of her pasture-mates. i noticed the helicopter was flying directly over us onto the neighboring field - a conventional farm. it didn't take long to realize that it was flying around spraying pesticides. prior to this, i had only seen images of these pesticide helicopters in movies or magazines, but never in person. i have to admit it was a little intimidating. this went on for well over an hour, and the helicopter often came over onto our side of the fence. we didn't feel anything, so i don't it was spraying our field, but i would have to imagine that there's got to be some that crosses over at least once in awhile. it was upsetting and i'm planning to ask farmer john about it.

but what else was interesting was the juxtaposition of what emily and i were doing (pulling each weed by hand, individually, and paying close care to make sure the plants were well-wrapped for the future), and the cold, distant weed removal of spraying (the helicopter just swooped around about 100 feet from the ground). we were both engaged in the same activity, but were using such drastically different methods. call me sentimental, but i really do believe the care that our farm puts into its plants really makes a difference in the quality of what grows.

after this, we were instructed to go pick and clean onions, and to that i say: woohoo! this was the highlight of the day for me. picking these onions is amazing because i'm just so used to seeing them in the grocery store, perfectly cleaned and prepped for our consumption. whoever thinks of what they look like when they're growing? but oh wow. they grow underground, but the way you know they're ready is that they begin to kind of rise up above the soil, so you see part of the onion popping out. they're beautiful. the other day, i tried to pick one just to see what it would look like, and it was this tremendous bulb that had the freshest onion fragrance from several feet away. when i chopped off the green stem, actual juice began to drip out of the onion. DRIP! when was the last time you saw an onion actually drip with moisture? it was amazing, and made me see a true difference between fresh produce and what we buy in the supermarket. there's just absolutely no comparison.

so today we were to pick two rows of onions, about 80 feet in total. pick them out of the ground, trim the root end and cut off the stem, clean off the dirt, then store them in coffee bags for a few days so the skins dry out. i had a blast. it was fun interacting with all these juicy onions. everytime i pulled one out of the ground it felt like i was discovering something.

after lunch, we moved onto garlic. we had picked a bunch of it last week, so today we cleaned it, just like we did the onions. this was not nearly as exciting as picking the garlic, but it got us out of the sun (yes, it was hot now) for awhile. afterwards, we went into the shed to plant winter squash. we found a bunch of fun varieties that we had never heard of before, so growing them should be interesting. i wish i was going to be around for the harvest!

when all was said and done, we had a bunch of the stems of the onions to get rid of, so ivan took them to the pigs, as we normally do all the trash. usually they snort and grunt and then eat everything with reckless abandon, but apparently they sniffed the stems and then walked away. can you believe it? we were all shocked!

so, apparently pigs have distinguishing palates after all.

(or, perhaps, the stems just weren't rotten and slimy enough...that's my vote!)

ode to dr. gugliada

2008-06-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

today i went to the chiropractor because of a nagging pain in my neck that i got on the plane ride out here. somehow, someway i managed to completely screw my neck up while sitting perfectly still on an aircraft. how this is possible is beyond me, but if anyone could do it...well, you've found her.

it has hurt to turn my head from side to side and especially to try to sit up from a laying-down position. i tried to cope with it for the last 11ish days or so, but it has gotten rather painful and, frankly, inconvenient. therefore, shelby's daughter laura was kind enough to give me a ride into town to see the chiropractor. (aside: the photo you see here was the poster i saw when i walked up to the door. strange?)

as most of you don't know, i was very attached to my old chiropractor, Dr. Gugliada, who passed away earlier this year. both of my parents, my brother and i have been seeing him for years. we loved him dearly. he had magic hands and without even asking what was wrong, could have you totally cured in just one session. he also started work at 4 am. psycho. but, he had a loyal following, and even though you often had to wait for 2+ hours to see him (because he didn't turn anyone away), his patients sat with patience, because they knew how special he was.

going to see him wasn't just about getting an adjustment, however. it was about the experience of showing up, seeing the room jam-packed full of people at some god-awful time in the morning, watching tv show after tv show on the little television in the waiting room as you sat in anticipation of your name being called. it was about seeing his tubby, ominous figure walking from room to room, greeting people in his stern but loving way. it was about going into a room and having him come in and without laying a finger on you say, "you're not standing straight" and then place his hand on exactly where it hurts. he'd usually scold you for wearing the wrong shoes or doing whatever it was that hurt you, but it was only because he cared. then he'd lay you down and crack your back and neck in every which way imaginable, making his puffy little noises with each new position. in the meantime we'd talk about our families, my dad's new building project, my mom's insurance agency, my brother's law practice, and i'd ask him personal questions to get past his seemingly indifferent demeanor. what lied beneath was someone who was actually full of emotion just bubbling beneath the surface, and sometimes i managed to get there. then within moments, it was over; i would hop up from the table a new woman, we would say goodbye, and i would often not see him again for several months.

with this kind of relationship with my past chiropractor, you could imagine that the thought of going to a new doctor was really unappealing. i was convinced i would end up more injured than well. but i went because i had no choice. the doctor was nice, young, and his method was different. i had to tell him why i was there, had to explain my pain and where it was, etc. he put heat on my shoulders and then used a massager on my back, then cracked it. he then cracked my neck, which hurt like hell, but - i think he might have taken care of the problem. its too soon to say. i can now turn my head most of the way without pain, and the constant ache is mostly gone, so that's a good thing. however, it is sore, and so that's obscuring my ability to say exactly how much better its doing. we shall see.

so, all in all, not a bad appointment. he was a nice man, and he seemed competent. i didn't wait 2 hours at 5 o'clock in the morning to see him, and that was a nice change. but at the same time, we didn't talk about our families or what we've been up to, i didn't get the mild scolding that i secretly enjoyed, and i certainly didn't receive a magic touch. those days are over, sadly - not just for me, but for all of dr. gugliada's patients. he really touched our lives and made going to the chiropractor a special experience.

i miss him. i hope he knows that.

108 bows

2008-06-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

i've decided that as of tomorrow, i am going to start bowing meditation every morning before work. i haven't done the full 108 bows since the end of my zen meditation class last fall. this spring, i would randomly bow but it was usually just somewhere between 10-20 times. i always had a hard time doing this meditation because of the physicality of it. i was so horribly out of shape that it was painful (and, frankly, i was a wimp).

but, the farm has taught me that intense physicality is actually exactly what i need to feel healthy and good. so i am going to resume the bowing. additionally, i think that the exercise involved in bowing will pale in comparison to the nonstop activity that i am involved in everyday.

but of course, the purpose of the bowing isn't to get in shape. rather, i'm trying to add a tangible element of spirituality back into my life. the bowing was always extremely helpful to me each week, though i hated actually doing it. i am getting so much out of farming because of what it is doing to my body and because of all that i am learning and experiencing, but i need to foster that link to the spirit. its there. its everywhere around me, in watching the plants reach for the sun, in the harvesting of fruit, and in the perfect snapshot images framed in my eye as i walk through this brilliant landscape. but i need a consistent practice everyday to keep me focused and connected.

i'm nervous that i'll fail at this. i hope i'm able to be disciplined enough to do it without a community of practitioners around me. i'll post an update at the end of the week to let you know how i do!

curds and whey

2008-06-20T22:49:00.001-07:00

Sadly this will be another short post. I am exhausted beyond belief. I got 1 less hour of sleep last night and it has thrown me off considerably.

These posts are hard to write because I learn so many new things everyday I don't know what to write about. Today we picked garlic which was an amazing upper body workout because you have to fight with the dirt to break the garlic free. We did more weeding (see my weeds post from a few days back), and then recycled soil from old planters.

It got so hot today it was hard to work. Hit 104. Ouch. Apparently I really do like extremes because first I live in Minnesota and then I move here. Am I well?

But it was so hot it was hard to work. It got humid and that's unusual. Therefore we are starting work earlier tomorrow; that is, 6 am instead of 7.

Tonight Shelby invited Emily and I to her daughter's birthday party. It was fun, we met new people, hung out, ate pizza. In between John was showing us how to make cheese. Woohoo! That is one of the big reasons why I came here. He used the goat milk from yesterday and today to work on a blue cheese. He showed us how to bring it up to temp, add cultures, add rennet, cut the curd, drain off the whey (which goes to the chickens - apparently they had a chicken get stuck in the bucket of whey once, lol), then place the curd in a ring mold and flip it every 45 minutes. Sadly at this point we had to leave, but there's a lot more to the process.

However, he loaned us a cheese book and some culture and we are going to make yogurt, then begin experimenting with other cheeses, particularly chevre. Needless to say I am pretty excited to have this experience with raw goat milk since I've been hunting it down for so many years.

Okay. Bedtime. Early day tomorrow.

pain in the ass

2008-06-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

this is going to be short because i must go to bed. however, i feel the need to announce to the world that i have a pain in the ass. no, i am not referring to the sore ass cheeks i was complaining of yesterday. instead, i am referring to a fun little ball of excitement that i had surgically removed last april and was told would never (99% likely not) return. however, it has.

alright, its not quite on the ass. its on the tailbone. but, it makes sitting painful.

is this too graphic?

oh well. so therefore, in addition to the neck pain that i have from my flight here (did i mention this? i don't think i did), i now have tush pain. i was sitting on the couch trying to read a book but was uncomfortable because of the cyst so i laid down and then was uncomfortable because of the neck. i feel 85.

hopefully the swelling will go down soon because when that happens, the pain goes away. but sadly, since it has returned, i'm going to need surgery again when i get back to new york.

pain in the ass.

w.e.e.d.s.

2008-06-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

today was the first day of my battle with weeds. after emily and i picked squash and cucumber this morning at 7, we zipped over to the pepper field with ivan to work on weeding. how could i possibly describe this task so as to fully convey its character? here goes:

a field is separated by a tractor into beds. a bed is basically a mound of dirt covered by a plastic sheet with holes poked in it. within each hole is where a transplant is planted. (see yesterday's post for info on transplants) a collection of these transplants is considered a "row". there are two rows in each bed. make sense? probably not. either way, the important tidbit of knowledge you should carry with you is that the rows are long. very, very long. (see photo)

the transplants are poking through just a little slice of the plastic, but since the sun hits the dirt around the plant, weeds inevitably grow as well. therefore, our job was to pull the weeds. makes sense. but it doesn't end there! oh no. THEN, we were to take a little square piece of newspaper, tear a slice into it, and tuck it around the plant so that no new weeds would grow. oh, organic farming, how i love thee.

yes, if this was a conventional farm, these weeds would be taken care of by spray. but we, on the other hand, crawl through the dirt on our hands and knees (ivan was even laying down at one point) pulling each weed out by hand and carefully encasing it in newspaper to avoid future weed growage. if that's not plant love, i don't know what is.

emily, ivan and i worked on this from 7:45 - 9:15, then from 9:30 - 11:45ish. nearly 4 hours. it wasn't exactly "tiring", but it involved a lot of constant, small movements and awkward physical positions, so we were all really happy when we were dismissed from this activity. now don't get me wrong -- we didn't nearly finish. in fact, we have to do it again tomorrow morning. sigh. but, i will say this: initially i was really resistant to the entire project. i had absolutely no desire to do it, and i was grumbling to myself about it for at least the first couple of hours. but somewhere around the 3rd hour, something inside of me gave way to the fact that this was the task at hand, and i needed to just stop resisting. this wasn't even a conscious thing that happened. it just sort of clicked. after awhile it occurred to me that my mind had totally been turned off for quite some time, and i was completely focused on pulling the weeds and covering them with the newspaper. i had entered into a different rhthym. it was zen-like. and although i of course was relieved when ivan said that we could stop, part of me felt a little disappointed. interesting.

after lunch, we did some more seed planting. we plant seeds in the shed where its cool, so it was nice to be out of the sun and to be sitting down. today we planted melons, lettuce and eggplant. then john let us leave early (2 pm), and i promptly took a nap. when i woke up at 3:30, my butt cheeks hurt more than i could possibly express. seriously. ouch.

another funny thing about today is that you need to walk one foot in front of the other while going up and down the rows because you're not supposed to step on the beds. i have horrible balance issues, but i noticed that if you tighten your abs, maintaining balance is so much easier. i know, i know...a no-brainer, michele...but for someone as unathletic as myself, it was pretty interesting. in my normal life of simply milling around new york, getting on subways and occasionally climbing a staircase, abs aren't all that important. so it was nice to actually learn why we have certain muscles in our body.

but i'm sore as heck, and looking forward to the end of the week. tomorrow night is the farmer's market and we're supposedly getting a ride there, so that should be fun and festive. apparently they have pupusas!

good fences make good slumber

2008-06-17T20:38:00.001-07:00

ivan and i began today by picking apricots. it was fun. apricots are really pretty; they're small, round, smooth, and have a wonderful yellow-orange color to them with just a hint of red one one side. not all of them were in great condition though, so we had to throw those away. but that made finding the perfect ones really exciting. whenever i would see one up on a branch just waiting to be picked, i got really happy. it was fun, and kind of a reminder about how we really do need the bad in order to appreciate the good. the bad isn't just something to be tolerated or wished away, but rather, something necessary. i realized this all thanks to the apricots. thank you, apricots.

later, ivan and i were to build a wire fence around a new pasture. the goats are being moved to a larger pasture (yay goats!), but we must fence it in. its an electric fence, so the poor little goaties get shocked when they go near it. that made me sad and i wished it weren't the case. but nonetheless, this was the chore at hand.

in short, this project took us more than 2 hours. it was tedious, hot, and things kept going wrong. it would have been fine if we hadn't encountered so many problems. but you see, it was a large field, and we had to attach the wire onto poles along each side of the pasture. the problem was that we had to pull the wire tight, and oftentimes it would rip off of one of the poles without our knowledge. so we'd make it to the end, thinking we were done, only to find out that the wire had detached several points along the way. argh! fixing this was another extravaganza which i'm not going to bother explaining...but just note that it was lengthy, hot and irritating. even ivan, who is as even tempered as a cow, was getting worked up about it. you could only imagine what i was doing.

ahhh, the joys of farm life. thankfully, we had lunch after this, and post-lunch we only had to plant seeds, which we could do indoors while sitting. this was actually kind of fun. we planted them in those teeny little planters that you see at gardening stores (where you buy your transplants for your garden). apparently, they will sprout in 2 days! isn't that wild?

i came home and took a 2 hour nap, then emily (the new intern) arrived. she's from boston but went to school in ithaca at cornell. studied biology. she just graduated 3 weeks ago and is very nice and laid back. i think that we'll get along well. i am relieved about this, to say the least.

but that fence situation sucked the life out of me. afterwards i had trouble moving around. even right now i feel totally exhausted. emily went for a walk earlier (a short one, at that) and i didn't have the energy to go with her. oof.

something tells me i'll sleep good tonight.

artie chokes 3 for a dollar

2008-06-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

argh! i am currently experiencing massive frustration with the internet access here. it comes in and out, so just when it seems like something is working, suddenly it stops. ahhh! i'm going nuts and it is interfering with my blog-writing capabilities. blech. i'm sorry to all of my loyal readers.

today i had planned to publish photos of the house where i'm living, along with an absolutely HILARIOUS video of the baby goats (2 years old, jackson's age!) that i captured on saturday. they're comical creatures.

but since neither of those plans will come to fruition today, i will have to move on to another exciting topic. that is: artichokes.

ivan and i went out into the fields armed with our backpacks (see photo) today to pick artichokes. yes, there is a special backpack for artichoke picking! who knew? trust me, i didn't know, either. though, to be fair, the backpack can also be used for corn. but today? artichokes. it is a massive "backpack" which straps to your back just like a schoolbag does and has a massive container attached to it. when you cut an artichoke off the plant, you throw it in the bag. simple.

there were four rows of chokes to pick, and ivan and i both did two each. let me tell you, this project took us probably 3 hours in total. all in all, i would guess we picked about 500 artichokes. INSANE!

the sad part is that most of them were "no good" according to the farm owner. he likes to deliver them in a certain shape, size and condition (which i respect and totally understand), and many of them - although still totally edible - didn't make the cut. so off in the wheelbarrow they went to feed the pigs. needless to say, the pigs were delighted. disgusting little creatures.

tomorrow, the new intern arrives. emily. she sounds nice and it seems we have stuff in common, so i'm excited about that. but i'm nervous. of course, you never know how it'll actually go until you meet the person, and judging from some of the stories i have heard about last year's interns (more on this another time), who knows what is going to happen. but we'll see; i hope it'll work out.

so tonight is my last night alone in the house. that's both good and bad; good because i won't be so freaked out being alone, but bad because the solitude is kind of nice. i can always retreat into my room though, so i must remember to take care of myself and do that if i feel that i must.

in the meantime, i've been watching the office which i downloaded before i left (just the first season, but its hilarious), and some episodes of ramsay's kitchen nightmares (british version). and i'm reading the alchemist. i like the alchemist; but its hard to read. its touching a lot of raw nerves in me. i plan to blog on this soon; stay tuned...

fresno

2008-06-14T19:38:00.000-07:00

Today, Shelby and I went to Fresno, CA, which is about a 45 minutes or so South (?) of Firebaugh. It was a really to spend time away from the small town, as it gave me the feeling that escape is possible if the monotony of the country starts driving me batty.

As we drove through the fields on the way out of town, I didn't feel particularly excited. We passed almond trees, fig trees, pistachios, etc., but I just felt anxious inside. Closed in. This reaction was a complete 180 from how I had felt just a month prior, when I would finally get out of NYC and drive through rural NJ. I remember feeling ELATED when seeing the strawberry patch or the apple orchards. Even just empty fields of grass made me excited! But today this was not my reaction.

Suddenly, I noticed that we were getting onto a highway, and within a moment the country fields turned into urban roads that resembled Los Angeles, where I used to live. Although it was definitely NOT Los Angeles, it was familiar: the houses and street signs looked the same. It had a familiar shape and smell. Immediately I felt at home and comfortable.

It was a good feeling. A really good feeling. I realized that the reason I felt this way was because I was simply out of my element in the country. I wasn't unenchanted with the country all of a sudden, but I was rather getting used to it, and I needed something - anything - familiar to grip onto to make myself feel better. The urban layout of Fresno and its surroundings did that for me.

I wondered though, in these moments, does this mean that I would prefer a life lived among people? I have often fantasized about being a farmer. Living in the country and having well, not an isolated existence, but a more remote one. But when I began to see billboards and street signs and restaurants and stores, I lit up inside. Was that familiarity or a sign that this kind of living is what best suits me?

Nonetheless, Shelby and I continued on our way. She bought her sink, one that I am jealous of (a commercial 3 tubbed one [is tubbed a word?]). We bought a bunch of stuff at Costco, had a nice lunch, zipped over to Kohl's to buy her and her daughter flip flops, then headed back. But oh! I nearly forgot. The highlight of the day was when we stopped at the Fresno Farmer's Market. Originally I had been wavering about whether I wanted to go because it was so god-awful hot out, but I ultimately figured why the hell not. The picture that you see here is from the market. As is hopefully apparent, this was beautiful, and adorably quaint. It was really small but so well maintained, and the greenery that covered it shielded the sun, so it was actually quite cool underneath. The best part about this farmer's market is that although they had mostly everything you could find at any other market (fruit, veggies, cheese, olive oils, etc), what set this apart was that Shelby knew nearly every person there. So I met a whole bunch of the vendors, most of whom were farmers or producers themselves. It added a personal touch onto the experience. Although farmer's markets in general do encourage that sort of banter, in this case I was introduced as the intern of this well-known organic farm, so people really paid attention. In many cases I was offered to go to a particular farm and learn their methods for a day. It was very exciting.

However, the best part of the day was when I came across the organicpastures.com booth. They sell unpasteurized cow's milk (raw milk), which - by the way - is virtually impossible to get in the US. Several years ago, when I was getting into cheesemaking, I was researching raw milk because it is the best type to use for making cheeses. However, the US has all sorts of strict laws prohibiting the sale of raw milk. But this company sells it! I spoke to them with enthusiasm about this and they told me that apparently the laws are only valid in certain states, and California isn't one of them. I was shocked! I had searched high and low for raw milk, to no avail. But here these people were, selling raw milk like it was going out of style. I couldn't believe it.

The other great part about this is that raw milk doesn't affect those who are lactose intolerant!! Apparently the pasteurization process is what causes milk to affect those with lactose problems negatively, but raw milk doesn't do this. I was wary, but I had a gulp of the stuff and the verdict? No problems whatsoever! Go raw milk!

Anyways, all in all, Fresno was a great trip. A nice break from the country, a place that made me reconsider my desire to live in the city, and somewhere that resurrected the potential for my making really great cheese in the near future. A good day!

day two

2008-06-13T16:13:00.001-07:00

lord almighty.

i feel like i'm in boot camp. seriously. my body is being worked over like never before. today, i was outside by 7:30 and ivan and i picked about 5 lbs of purple beans. this involved picking the pods, opening the pods and dumping the little beans into the bucket. each pod had 2-3 beans inside. we worked on this for about an hour and a half and had only 1/8 of a bucket full. (about 2.5 lbs). at 9am we had our break, then continued from 9:15-10:00. this time we had a new system though. instead of standing in the hot sun and picking the pods apart one by one, we would first collect all of the pods, then go in the shade and open them up. it worked much better this way.

when this chore was over, we were then to do the same for the fava beans. pick, open, dump. we sped through to the quicker method this time and managed to get to 5 lbs faster, which was nice. by 12 PM, we had about 10 lbs of beans. this was all that we did today.

thankfully, we were set free at this point. although this doesn't sound like a ton of work (and it truly isn't), standing in the hot sun sucks a ton of energy out of you. and the monotonous walking back and forth and crouching down and standing up is also a drain on the energy. we came in at 12 and i ate a box of strawberries that i picked yesterday, talked on the phone for a little while and then took a 2 hour nap. i feel a lot better.

today made me appreciate all of those little beans that you see at the grocery store just sitting there innocently in their bags. if only people realized the amount of labor necessary to grow, pick and package 1 lb of beans!

pooped

2008-06-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

the end of my first day on the farm has arrived. whew. i'm exhausted. i was up at around 6:30 and ready to rock and roll by a little after 7. i met up with ivan, a 17 year old 2nd generation mexican lad who is to be my best friend all summer long. he's very laid back and easy going. such is the pace of farmlife in general. here i was, charged up on iced tea and adrenaline, and ivan was kicking back with his sombrero on. new york meets california.

i realized i needed to take it easy otherwise there was going to be a problem. so i did. if they don't want to work like nonstop animals, i won't either. besides, i'm not here to kill myself, rather to learn and contribute what i can. our first excursion was to the cucumber fields. we picked a few cucumbers, some of which were absolutely MASSIVE -- we're talking 5 inches around and 3 feet long (NUTS). some of them even curl around too. afterwards, we moved onto strawberries. there weren't many berries left because their season has already mostly passed, but we managed to pick a few. then, we moved onto mint, rosemary, oregano and lavendar.

all of this picking was to the end of having enough produce to distribute among our 36 boxes. you see, being a CSA (community-supported agriculture) we have customers who buy a share of our crops each season and then in return they receive a box of produce for $20 per week. thursdays is the day the produce is shipped. today was that day.

so, we had to make sure that we had enough of the herbs and cucumbers. other workers were taking care of onions, garlic, squash, lettuce, artichokes, cabbage, etc. ivan and i created the boxes and rinsed them down, then lined them up on the tables. one by one we would choose a crop and drop it into the box. by the end, the boxes were STUFFED to the brim with fresh produce, topped off with fresh basil and oregano, the smells of which were amazing. then, various people came to pick up the boxes and drop them off at their assigned stations, and i was free to go.

this took from 7 am - 3 pm. there was lots of walking back and forth between fields, bending and standing, reaching, strange moving, etc. needless to say i'm exhausted.

it was a good first day. i felt a little sad because i'm new and being new on a job is never fun, but i hope as time goes on i become more comfortable and make friends here. talking to ivan about spiderman helped.

The arrival

2008-06-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

Today was the beginning of my summer farm adventure. I woke up at 5 am in order to make it to Newark Airport in time for my flight at 7:40. I was strangely organized and thus didn't have to do this morning, so we left pretty fast. Unfortunately, my poor mother began getting stomach cramps after we got in the car. I felt bad because I am pretty sure it was nerves about my leaving and her worrying that I'll be okay. Sadly, we had to drop her off somewhere to use the bathroom but had to continue onto the airport without her because otherwise I would have been late. It was really hard to leave her there. Not only because I knew that she was suffering and alone, but because it was the first time that she wasn't there to see me off at the airport. It just felt like a turning point for me, like a real wake-up call that something I have always taken for granted won't always be there.

I found out later that she was feeling better, and that made me feel better. I flew from Newark to Houston, then Houston to San Jose. I fell asleep on both flights and was passed out through both of them mostly. I made a friend on the 2nd flight, Bobby. He was a really cool guy from near San Jose. Probably a surfer dude. Either way, he was really friendly and fun to talk to. We flew over some crazy fires right before we were going to land, and he was taking photos of them. Apparently some part of CA has been on fire for the last two weeks and they can't seem to get it under control. Nuts, huh?

Well, I landed in San Jose and was met by John and Anna (I assume his stepdaughter?) and their dog, Shorty. It was a very festive gathering. John, who is very laid back, indeed had a pickup truck, except it was humungous and nothing I had ever seen before. I can't imagine what the gas mileage is on that car. It took us nearly 3 hours to get to Firebaugh (the town where the farm is) because we stopped at Wal Mart to get me a toothbrush and grabbed some lunch at Subway. But the long journey gave us time to chat. John's involved in a dozen different projects, which is very exciting. He owns land all over the place and does both conventional and organic farming, although organic is his favorite and his focus.

When we arrived at the house, I was led to my bedroom, and its a spacious room that they just repainted blue. It's quite nice, and I have a little rocking chair and tiny TV! That's more than I was expecting, so I was happy. Later, Shelby (John's partner and Anna's mom) came around and we walked around the farm together and she showed me where everything is growing. We met the baby goats (adorable), picked apricots, lettuce and radishes. I then went inside and made myself a salad with the lettuce and radishes and ate some apricots on the side. A nice light meal since I've felt pretty bulky lately.

Shelby and Anna just left, and here I am in the house, all alone. There are no other interns here yet, so its just me. It's a little weird to be here by myself but they say that its safe, so I'm hoping that's true. The other workers live on the land nearby, so I'm not totally isolated.

It's been a tough day. Emotional. Highs and lows. I'm excited to be here, but definitely feeling the transition is going to be hard. For instance, we don't have a stove, just an electric griddle. I'm sure I can make it work, but that's just another layer of discomfort to deal with. The house is undergoing a great deal of re-construction, so living here while that is going on will be tough. Many of the workers here do not speak english at all; since I don't speak spanish, I'm wondering how I am going to communicate. There's a ton of stuff that's on my mind. But, I am trying to stay calm and keep the faith that things will work out. Yes, my friends, I am trying to live and let God.

We'll see. Tomorrow I am to get up and be ready for work by 7 AM for the "box-filling" ritual - this is when we fill boxes to send down to the members of our CSA. I'm excited about it.

reality is setting in

2008-06-08T20:55:00.000-07:00

the fact that i'll be gone all summer has finally begun to set in. i think its because i'm now beginning to experience "the last" of everything. for instance, tonight is the last sunday night i'll spend here this summer; yesterday was the last saturday afternoon. there are things associated with these days that make it particularly hard. for instance, i'm used to spending saturday afternoons with my mother. most of the time, we're both in the house at the same time and even though we're often doing our own thing, we'll end up at some point in the kitchen drinking coffee together or eating leftovers for lunch while gabbing for an hour. its just a really nice thing that became a ritual, and even though it didn't actually happen yesterday, the chance for that to happen is over. its hard to say goodbye to that.

sunday nights i often spend with both of my parents, watching a movie or tv, or just sitting and chatting. today we (unexpectedly) spent shopping for clothes for my trip and then we had lunch together. afterwards we came home and as usual, watched a movie (semi-pro with will ferrill - completely ridiculous but funny). again, it wasn't a night of any kind of importance, but the ritual of spending that time together made it feel important...and tonight is the last night that it will likely happen for quite some time.

if i were only going away for two months, none of this would feel as heavy. but the truth is that since i am considering transferring (although totally unsure of where/when, etc), the fact is that these mini goodbyes may be longer than just a mere summer in length. that's what makes it hard.

despite it, i'm proud that i haven't crumbled because of it. last year when i was getting ready to go to starr king out in berkeley, all of these thoughts literally made me physically sick. i was not only anxious and irritable all of the time, but i developed severe digestive problems. the guilt was killing me. its clear that the past year has really allowed me to develop the perspective necessary to realize that i shouldn't feel guilty for going away. although i am emotional, i can't let that stop me from living my life and pursuing my goals and dreams.

i'll miss jackson, my godson. he's 2. i love seeing the progress he makes when i get to see him even just once a week. the thought that i'll come back and he'll see me as a stranger is heartbreaking. that perhaps is one of the hardest things to deal with.

and my brother. i worry about him. i pray that he remains safe.

the ticket is booked!

2008-06-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

i just hung up the phone with continental airlines and have officially booked my ticket for san jose leaving june 11 at 7:40 AM. woohoo! (by the way, the farm's name is Lone Willow Ranch). i'm super excited, nervous and a ton of other emotions all rolled into one. as it comes closer i find myself having doubts, but i realize that's only fear. on the flipside, i'm really quite happy and looking forward to what lies ahead.

barack obama won the nomination tonight and gave his speech in st. paul, minnesota. i cried throughout his speech because if this man could actually put into place what he dreams of, he (we) really does have the ability to completely change the course of our nation's history and the history of the entire world. finally, perhaps, freedom and equality will be available for all people; finally the very system which has oppressed so many for so long will be overturned, redefined, reimagined. i am dreaming along with him and alongside many americans and many citizens of the world tonight that what he speaks of does indeed come true.

he said one thing in particular which hit close to home, and that is that change means allowing our hopes and visions to rule and inspire us rather than our fears and limitations. (ok, hardly his exact words, but the sentiment is there). i realized that for so long i have let my fears be my guide. but what if i flipped this over and allowed my hopes to guide me instead? how much more could i accomplish, how many more places could i go? would i respect my own thoughts / emotions / intellect more if i adopted this attitude? would i be more comfortable speaking in class? would i take more risks with my acting? would i be more likely to travel, to venture away from my comfort zone? the answer is likely YES. all of these changes are possible by one simple thing: a shift in attitude.

as i pray for this change in the greater world, i pray for this change in myself. after all, that is where all important change begins.

the decision

2008-05-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

to those of you who don't know: in december of last year, i began to entertain the idea of going to work on a farm this summer. as the months came and went, the desire grew stronger. so i finally applied and was ultimately accepted at one farm in california that i had become quite fond of. it is an organic and CSA farm that grows all sorts of produce and fruit. they also have animals - goats in particular - and they milk those goats for making goat cheese. the main farmer, john, is a very laid-back guy who has been farming for over 20 years. we spoke on the phone only once, but its clear he's very passionate about his job and excited to teach newcomers.

i have trouble making decisions. but in this case i decided to go without thinking too much about it. you see i have been facing another big decision lately: that is, whether or not to transfer out of Union to another seminary elsewhere in the country. i thought that getting away for the summer and having time to think would help me to figure out what i wanted, and so thus the commitment to the farm was born.

however, then spring sprung in new york, and things weren't so clear anymore. i *love* summer in new york, and when i began to get that feeling, i didn't want to leave. plus, once school was out, it became SO nice to spend time with friends and enjoy NOT being in class! i had images of staying in NY and having a wonderful and leisurely summer, spending lots of time in the sun and hanging out with friends. truly it was an image that was hard to beat. additionally, i could take acting classes and get involved in some farm-related activities in the area here. thoughts began to swirl.

well, for the last three weeks i have been thinking about these things, and haven't been able to make my mind up. even though i said i was going to the farm, in the back of my mind it wasn't that clear cut anymore. but the problem wasn't even so much not knowing what i wanted. the problem was that the indecision made me feel totally stuck. i felt trapped. i couldn't enjoy my days any longer. individual moments were lost to me because all i could do was ruminate. it isn't the first time i have felt this way; in fact, i know this feeling well.

decisions make me very nervous. i become afraid that i am leaving something irreplaceable behind, and that i am making a mistake and whatever lay ahead of me is misery compared with what i am leaving. to the sane mind, this thinking is totally irrational. nonetheless, this is how my mind works. i do this with unimportant things such as which magazine to buy at the grocery store. in that situation, its easier to take a risk. but when dealing with the course of your life, its a bigger deal.

well, over the last few weeks i have done a great deal of thinking. but then the other day, i finally decided to replace some of that thinking with some praying. and i also set a timeline for myself. i said that by a certain night, come hell or high water, i would make a decision. and even if i woke up the next day and felt like it was wrong, i wasn't allowed to change my mind. that was it.

so this is precisely what i did. that morning, i prayed. i went for a long walk as well. i went to work and put the dilemma out of my mind. and at one point during the day, i was outside, and i happen to see this catepillar crawling up the side of the building. it was so beautiful: moving so slowly, on a path towards a destination unknown to me. it fell off the building, but turned around and began to crawl right back up. being out there and witnessing that moment, and also having the awareness of what that catepillar will soon turn into filled me with my original inspiration about this farm job: the desire to be outside and interact with nature. the catepillar reminded me of that desire.

and further, the night before i spoke with a friend, and i realized that i had developed negative expectations about what lay ahead for me. when watching the catepillar's life, i was able to look ahead and know it would eventually become a butterfly. but in my situation, i expected to go to this farm and end up being stranded in the middle of nowhere with no outlets for culture or socialization. but my friend made me realize what negative thinking that was. and because of her i was able to realize that i had been viewing my future through very foggy glasses. i was putting the idea of staying in NY on a pedastal because that's something i know. i could put a face to that experience whereas the farm had no face for me. therefore, staying in NY seemed more attractive.

through all of this, i think i came to realize that i was thinking of staying in NY for some very genuine reasons, but also out of fear. i began to tell myself that perhaps CA could be amazing. i may meet wonderful people there, learn valuable things, frequest lots of local joints and for the first time truly experience what its like to live in the country. and soon after this, i knew that i had to go.

and i am happy to say that once i made the decision, i didn't look back. i didn't even want to. it just felt right, and i still feel right by it. once i decided i felt so at peace with myself, and could suddenly begin enjoying my days and moments again because i wasn't locked into this tight middle space i had forced myself into.

dare i say ... i feel free!